I wanted to say I'm sorry for complaining so much lately.
I just re-read what I posted at 3:00 this morning and realized I sound like such a whiner.
E is having a hard time, it is not her fault, and I should have more compassion for her. Instead I find myself so angry and frustrated, especially in the middle of the night. Of course I would never take that frustration out on E, but I feel guilty for even thinking it. I love that little girl more than anything in this world, and I feel like a horrible person for letting myself get so frustrated with her.
I know what you are thinking, have S help so I can get some sleep. S does help. He is amazing. He gets as little or less sleep than I do, and still manages to function (and excel) at his rotations every day. But about 80% of the time, when E wakes up at night, she wants nothing to do with S, so even if he gets up with her, I ultimately end up having to get up too.
I know she won't be little forever. I know the teething will pass. I am just so tired. I haven't slept more than six consecutive hours in
almost two years. I haven't slept more than three hours at once in
weeks. It is really taking a toll on me physically and mentally, and I
don't know how to make it better.
And then I feel like a complete jerk for even letting myself complain about these things. Especially when I think of how long we waited and struggled to become parents. When I think of the couples who would kill to have my "problems" and who would do anything to be in my tired, grouchy shoes.
So, please, accept my apology for letting this all get the best of me. I'm sorry I've been such a downer on my blog lately. I'm sorry for all of the negativity.
I'm going to do my best to be more positive and to focus on the good things. Like my amazing, beautiful, healthy daughter and my loving, encouraging, supportive husband.
And coffee... Lots and lots of coffee.
Showing posts with label stuff no one tells you. Show all posts
Showing posts with label stuff no one tells you. Show all posts
Monday, February 18, 2013
I Hate Teething
Yes, you read the time stamp correctly. I have completely given up on getting any sleep.
After doing so well with our new sleep plan, E is now back to waking up every 30 minutes-1 hour, all night long, again. When she wakes up, she screams and refuses to even lay back down, no matter what else we try. It has been like this for over a week now. I am so frustrated I could cry.
I am 99.9% sure it is teething pain that is waking her up. She's been working on her molars (all four are erupted now, and hugely swollen). We've been alternating giving her Tylenol and Motrin, but nothing seems to bring her any relief.
I feel so bad for her that she is in pain, but I am SO TIRED.
After doing so well with our new sleep plan, E is now back to waking up every 30 minutes-1 hour, all night long, again. When she wakes up, she screams and refuses to even lay back down, no matter what else we try. It has been like this for over a week now. I am so frustrated I could cry.
I am 99.9% sure it is teething pain that is waking her up. She's been working on her molars (all four are erupted now, and hugely swollen). We've been alternating giving her Tylenol and Motrin, but nothing seems to bring her any relief.
I feel so bad for her that she is in pain, but I am SO TIRED.
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
Warning: Rant Ahead
SERIOUSLY, what is the deal with everyone wanting to feed other people's babies?
Maybe this is just a problem we have, but it seems like every time we share food with anyone, they want to feed E things from their plates. Sometimes without asking. When she was six months old, my father-in-law tried to give her root beer. ROOT BEER. Another time, I had to fish oranges out of her mouth when another relative gave them to her, without my permission and while I was in the restaurant restroom, before E had been exposed to citrus. Even last week at church, the lady who holds E while I sing in praise band (and who knows of her dairy allergy) tried to give her a butter-soaked biscuit before church.
And maybe I am just being an irrational bee-otch about the whole thing, but this irritates the HELL out of me. It annoyed me before we knew E had food allergies, and now it really pisses me off... especially because the offenders are almost always people who KNOW she is allergic to dairy and to whom we have repeatedly explained that we have to be hyper-vigilant about what we feed her because dairy is in everything. It also makes me super paranoid that if I look away for a second, someone will sneak her food that she shouldn't have and she will be sick for days, all because someone thought they knew better than S and me.
This rant has been bubbling under the surface for awhile now, but was prompted by dinner last night with my in-laws. Once again, we spent the entire first half of our meal fending off their attempts to feed E random things (chocolate chip cookies, bacon off of FIL's cheeseburger, breaded chicken strips...) and repeatedly explaining that no, she can't have that, it has dairy in it, while they continued to push the issue and with S's mom shooting increasingly less-subtle dirty looks to FIL from across the table.* Good times!
I seriously don't know why my in-laws (and everyone else) have such an issue with this. Does E look like she is starving and needs you to feed her? She has ranked in at least the 90th percentile for weight pretty much her entire life, so I hardly think that is the reason. Do they think we are just crazy over-protective parents? (Probably.) That we are abusing E by denying her chocolate/butter/etc.? Or that we are doing this just for fun-sies? I really don't get it. Even before having E, I would never offer a child food without asking their parent's permission first.
And I'm sure everyone means well, but SERIOUSLY! Lay off the baby, she is not starving.
* side note: MIL hates me and frequently shoots FIL dirty looks any time she disapproves of things I do and say. Oh, and she hasn't spoken to me since before E's birthday party in November. But that is another story for another post...
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
Teething, Dairy, and Sleep Plan: Day 17
E has had quite an eventful 24 hours.
We've discovered a possible reason why her sleep had regressed these past few days... She's been growing FOUR molars! We knew she had been teething, but last night discovered she has not one, but two, molars popping through! And she has two more that are so swollen they will surely erupt any day now. Poor girl!
Also... it seems she has been "dairy-ed" again. Her little stomach is so upset. I feel SO bad for her, and don't know how this could have happened again. Since the great dairy-carrot incident, I have read every label of every food product to pass her lips. I have a list of the names of "hidden dairy" ingredients in my phone to check against ingredient lists. We haven't eaten in any restaurants, where she may have consumed questionable ingredients. The only thing I can think is that she must have eaten something at the Superbowl party we went to, even though I was the only one to feed her and asked our friend (the host) about dairy in all of the food before giving her anything. I just don't know what else I can do, short of not letting her eat anything that I haven't read the ingredients list of or personally prepared myself. But I can't let this keep happening... Other food-allergy sufferers, how do you handle this?
On a positive note, E slept from 8:00 p.m. until 2:00 a.m., uninterrupted, last night! SIX WHOLE HOURS! Then she only woke one more time before waking up for the day around 6:00 a.m. WHOOHOO!!!!!
We've discovered a possible reason why her sleep had regressed these past few days... She's been growing FOUR molars! We knew she had been teething, but last night discovered she has not one, but two, molars popping through! And she has two more that are so swollen they will surely erupt any day now. Poor girl!
Also... it seems she has been "dairy-ed" again. Her little stomach is so upset. I feel SO bad for her, and don't know how this could have happened again. Since the great dairy-carrot incident, I have read every label of every food product to pass her lips. I have a list of the names of "hidden dairy" ingredients in my phone to check against ingredient lists. We haven't eaten in any restaurants, where she may have consumed questionable ingredients. The only thing I can think is that she must have eaten something at the Superbowl party we went to, even though I was the only one to feed her and asked our friend (the host) about dairy in all of the food before giving her anything. I just don't know what else I can do, short of not letting her eat anything that I haven't read the ingredients list of or personally prepared myself. But I can't let this keep happening... Other food-allergy sufferers, how do you handle this?
On a positive note, E slept from 8:00 p.m. until 2:00 a.m., uninterrupted, last night! SIX WHOLE HOURS! Then she only woke one more time before waking up for the day around 6:00 a.m. WHOOHOO!!!!!
Sunday, January 27, 2013
A Positive Post
I am so tired of being exhausted and frustrated with sleep training, that I thought it was time for me to focus on some positive happenings.
Despite all of the frustrations this past week, I feel like we have made a modicum of progress in the sleep department. E has gone from absolutely refusing to sleep in her own bed to sleeping there for up to 3 hours at a time. Previously, she would wake up the second we tried to lay her down in it, no matter how long/how deep she had been sleeping. It was as if she could sense we were about to lay her down in her bed, and she absolutely would not tolerate it (despite having no issue with us laying her down on our bed, the guest bed, the couch... only her bed). Also, she has gone from hysterically screaming through hours of bedtime and nap attempts to only mildly fussing and sometimes even resting quietly by herself for 10-20 minutes at a time.
Its the small victories, right?
Another positive thing that we have done this weekend is go visit a friend of mine and her daughter yesterday. We were friends in high school, then as life would have it we drifted apart and didn't really talk much until our daughters were born, when we reconnected via Facebook. Her daughter was born the day after E, and since then we have been in constant contact. It has been really nice to reconnect with her and to have someone else who I know "in real life" who is literally going through the exact same things we are on a daily basis.
Anyway, we finally got a chance to go visit them yesterday and had a wonderful time. I hadn't seen her in almost 10 years, and we of course had never met each other's husbands or daughters. But we all hit it off immediately and had a great day just hanging out, watching our babies play and explore, and reminiscing about old times. It was so much fun, we are already starting to plan our next visit! :-)
Lastly... E is 99% walking! This morning we were playing on the floor, and she took 3-4 steps totally unassisted between me and S. She was so proud of herself, it was like a light switch flipped and suddenly now she "gets it". All day today she has continued to let go of whatever she is holding on to and take 3-5 steps on her own! By the end of the week, I am sure she will be toddling all over the place. We are so proud of her! :-)
Now, if only she could figure out this sleeping thing...
Despite all of the frustrations this past week, I feel like we have made a modicum of progress in the sleep department. E has gone from absolutely refusing to sleep in her own bed to sleeping there for up to 3 hours at a time. Previously, she would wake up the second we tried to lay her down in it, no matter how long/how deep she had been sleeping. It was as if she could sense we were about to lay her down in her bed, and she absolutely would not tolerate it (despite having no issue with us laying her down on our bed, the guest bed, the couch... only her bed). Also, she has gone from hysterically screaming through hours of bedtime and nap attempts to only mildly fussing and sometimes even resting quietly by herself for 10-20 minutes at a time.
Its the small victories, right?
Another positive thing that we have done this weekend is go visit a friend of mine and her daughter yesterday. We were friends in high school, then as life would have it we drifted apart and didn't really talk much until our daughters were born, when we reconnected via Facebook. Her daughter was born the day after E, and since then we have been in constant contact. It has been really nice to reconnect with her and to have someone else who I know "in real life" who is literally going through the exact same things we are on a daily basis.
Anyway, we finally got a chance to go visit them yesterday and had a wonderful time. I hadn't seen her in almost 10 years, and we of course had never met each other's husbands or daughters. But we all hit it off immediately and had a great day just hanging out, watching our babies play and explore, and reminiscing about old times. It was so much fun, we are already starting to plan our next visit! :-)
Lastly... E is 99% walking! This morning we were playing on the floor, and she took 3-4 steps totally unassisted between me and S. She was so proud of herself, it was like a light switch flipped and suddenly now she "gets it". All day today she has continued to let go of whatever she is holding on to and take 3-5 steps on her own! By the end of the week, I am sure she will be toddling all over the place. We are so proud of her! :-)
Now, if only she could figure out this sleeping thing...
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Sleep Plan: Day 5
Yesterday's sleep plan experience can be summed up in one word. HORRIFIC.
E woke up yesterday morning at 5:45 a.m. and would not go back to bed, despite us giving her nearly an hour to fuss and try to go back to sleep.
Since she had gotten up for the day so early, I tried putting her down for her first nap around 8:00 a.m. She was SO exhausted, but wouldn't sleep. She was practically falling asleep in the living room around 10:00 a.m., so I tried again. Another 60 minutes of failure to nap and and an "I-don't-want-to-go-to-sleep" poop. She finally went to sleep when I put her down for her afternoon nap, but only after her 60 minutes had passed and I went into the room with her. Once I was in the room, she was asleep in minutes. (I know that is cheating, to soothe her at nap time, but she was SO TIRED and I was afraid the more overtired she got, the less chance we would have of her ever going to sleep.) She slept for 45 minutes.
Bedtime last night took nearly two hours, and again, she fell asleep only when one of us was in the room with her. I went to check on her, sat on our bed (again, not touching her), and she was asleep in seconds. The rest of the night, she was awake every 1-2 hours, with varying success in getting back to sleep. Needless to say, we are all so freaking tired today we can barely function.
I know we are still within the normal range for not having success with our sleep plan yet. I also know that especially stubborn babies (*cough* E *cough*) can take even longer than average. However, I am feeling extremely frustrated at this point. I thought we were finally getting somewhere, and then last night was a major regression. I just want this to work. I hate doing this to E and I just want it to be over.
I know there is no easy solution, I'm just having a tough time this morning. No doubt made worse by the fact that I have maybe had 8 total hours of sleep in the past two days.
So, lets troubleshoot what might be going on. E does better with us in the room, so I don't think that her being in our room is the issue. It is also not something we are willing to change at this time. Moving beyond that, I know we need to break this habit of E needing us in the room to fall asleep, but I don't know what else to do. We are almost a week in, and she will not even lay down to try to sleep on her own. She will lay there and soothe herself to sleep quickly when we are in the room, but if we leave her awake, the second we walk out the door, she stands back up and starts crying again. On the two nights she did fall asleep on her own, it was after 2-3 hours of screaming, and she fell asleep standing up. She WILL NOT lay down, and I don't know how to force her to, or if that is even possible. If we could just get her to lay down on her own, I'm sure she would be asleep so much faster. Any suggestions there?
Other than me giving her three opportunities to nap yesterday, and soothing her to sleep during a nap twice (in the past week), we have followed the sleep plan to a T. I don't know what else to do there. Do we completely stop soothing her or checking on her, period? Just let her cry as long as it takes, no matter what?
Other random notes: We added a fleece sleep sack to the equation a few days ago, in case she was getting too cold and that was causing her to wake up at night. She also has a fan for white noise, a dim night light, and a music box on her Pack-N-Play that she can turn on and off herself. Oh, and she has a stuffed animal that has always been her bedtime lovey, which she does sleep with every night, also in her bed. We also have been offering her extra snacks during the day, to make sure she has ample opportunities to eat so that she won't wake up hungry at night wanting to nurse.
Do any of you have any other thoughts? Am I missing something? I am in uncharted territory here, folks.
E woke up yesterday morning at 5:45 a.m. and would not go back to bed, despite us giving her nearly an hour to fuss and try to go back to sleep.
Since she had gotten up for the day so early, I tried putting her down for her first nap around 8:00 a.m. She was SO exhausted, but wouldn't sleep. She was practically falling asleep in the living room around 10:00 a.m., so I tried again. Another 60 minutes of failure to nap and and an "I-don't-want-to-go-to-sleep" poop. She finally went to sleep when I put her down for her afternoon nap, but only after her 60 minutes had passed and I went into the room with her. Once I was in the room, she was asleep in minutes. (I know that is cheating, to soothe her at nap time, but she was SO TIRED and I was afraid the more overtired she got, the less chance we would have of her ever going to sleep.) She slept for 45 minutes.
Bedtime last night took nearly two hours, and again, she fell asleep only when one of us was in the room with her. I went to check on her, sat on our bed (again, not touching her), and she was asleep in seconds. The rest of the night, she was awake every 1-2 hours, with varying success in getting back to sleep. Needless to say, we are all so freaking tired today we can barely function.
I know we are still within the normal range for not having success with our sleep plan yet. I also know that especially stubborn babies (*cough* E *cough*) can take even longer than average. However, I am feeling extremely frustrated at this point. I thought we were finally getting somewhere, and then last night was a major regression. I just want this to work. I hate doing this to E and I just want it to be over.
I know there is no easy solution, I'm just having a tough time this morning. No doubt made worse by the fact that I have maybe had 8 total hours of sleep in the past two days.
So, lets troubleshoot what might be going on. E does better with us in the room, so I don't think that her being in our room is the issue. It is also not something we are willing to change at this time. Moving beyond that, I know we need to break this habit of E needing us in the room to fall asleep, but I don't know what else to do. We are almost a week in, and she will not even lay down to try to sleep on her own. She will lay there and soothe herself to sleep quickly when we are in the room, but if we leave her awake, the second we walk out the door, she stands back up and starts crying again. On the two nights she did fall asleep on her own, it was after 2-3 hours of screaming, and she fell asleep standing up. She WILL NOT lay down, and I don't know how to force her to, or if that is even possible. If we could just get her to lay down on her own, I'm sure she would be asleep so much faster. Any suggestions there?
Other than me giving her three opportunities to nap yesterday, and soothing her to sleep during a nap twice (in the past week), we have followed the sleep plan to a T. I don't know what else to do there. Do we completely stop soothing her or checking on her, period? Just let her cry as long as it takes, no matter what?
Other random notes: We added a fleece sleep sack to the equation a few days ago, in case she was getting too cold and that was causing her to wake up at night. She also has a fan for white noise, a dim night light, and a music box on her Pack-N-Play that she can turn on and off herself. Oh, and she has a stuffed animal that has always been her bedtime lovey, which she does sleep with every night, also in her bed. We also have been offering her extra snacks during the day, to make sure she has ample opportunities to eat so that she won't wake up hungry at night wanting to nurse.
Do any of you have any other thoughts? Am I missing something? I am in uncharted territory here, folks.
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Sleep Plan: Day 4
I hope you all aren't getting bored of my sleep posts. If so, I'm sorry. You might want to skip this one. ;-)
Not much has changed, so I'll keep it brief and to the point.
Night #4 went about like Night #3. E went to sleep "on her own" with me in the room after fussing (without me in the room) for about 15 minutes. Then she woke up about an hour and a half later, and majorly fought going back to sleep. Once we got her back down, she again only woke around 1:30 a.m. and again around 4:30 a.m. I'll take it!
Naps are still terrible. No news there.
Not much has changed, so I'll keep it brief and to the point.
Night #4 went about like Night #3. E went to sleep "on her own" with me in the room after fussing (without me in the room) for about 15 minutes. Then she woke up about an hour and a half later, and majorly fought going back to sleep. Once we got her back down, she again only woke around 1:30 a.m. and again around 4:30 a.m. I'll take it!
Naps are still terrible. No news there.
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
Sleep Plan: Day 3
At the risk of jinxing everything, I think we might finally be making a bit of progress!
E was only awake TWICE after we went to bed last night, and both times she nursed then S soothed her back to sleep in her bed after only a few minutes! She slept from 10:30-1:15ish, 1:30ish-4:45, and 4:45-6:30ish. For those of you keeping score, that is two three-hour stretches... which may sound horrific to a normal person, but compared to how E has been sleeping, is amazing. Hooray!
As for naps yesterday, she pretty much split the difference. Her first nap, I put her down and she got quiet after only four minutes of fussing. She never went to sleep, but she stayed in her bed and quietly rested for over an hour. YAY for soothing herself and resting quietly without screaming through "nap" time!
Then, she turned around and fought her second nap with everything she had. 60 solid minutes of screaming/crying/fussing. Total nap FAIL.
Bedtime started out strong, but then crashed and burned. Since she had skipped her second nap of the day, E was beyond ready for bed by 6:00 p.m. We put her down and she fussed and whined (but not screaming and tantrum-ing!) on and off for about 45 minutes. She got more upset around 7:00 p.m., so we checked her diaper to be sure she didn't pull one of her patented I-don't-want-to-go-to-sleep-poops, then laid her back down and soothed her for a few minutes. Asleep at 7:14 p.m. Success! Then she woke up around 8:00 p.m. and would. not. go. back. to. sleep. although she was so, so exhausted. S and I took turns soothing her every 30 minutes or so while she fussed and cried for two and a half hours. At 10:30 p.m., I noticed she had been quiet for several minutes and went back to check on her. This is what I found.
Sleeping standing up, with her head on the rail of the Pack-N-Play. For the second night in a row. I gently laid her down and she (mercifully) stayed asleep.
I don't know why, but in that moment of seeing her like that, I felt so incredibly sad and guilty. I'm sure I was just projecting my own emotions on the situation, but I teared up when I saw her standing there sleeping and could only think of how she must have been standing back in that room, literally for hours, waiting for her Mama and Dada who never came. It was heartbreaking. I'm going to cry again now just thinking about it!
Thankfully, I feel a little less guilty today due to her being in a great mood. I can tell she got some real rest last night for the first time in weeks. She has been happy and goofy and doesn't appear to hate me, so that makes me feel much better. :-) I am hoping tonight is even easier!
E was only awake TWICE after we went to bed last night, and both times she nursed then S soothed her back to sleep in her bed after only a few minutes! She slept from 10:30-1:15ish, 1:30ish-4:45, and 4:45-6:30ish. For those of you keeping score, that is two three-hour stretches... which may sound horrific to a normal person, but compared to how E has been sleeping, is amazing. Hooray!
As for naps yesterday, she pretty much split the difference. Her first nap, I put her down and she got quiet after only four minutes of fussing. She never went to sleep, but she stayed in her bed and quietly rested for over an hour. YAY for soothing herself and resting quietly without screaming through "nap" time!
Then, she turned around and fought her second nap with everything she had. 60 solid minutes of screaming/crying/fussing. Total nap FAIL.
Bedtime started out strong, but then crashed and burned. Since she had skipped her second nap of the day, E was beyond ready for bed by 6:00 p.m. We put her down and she fussed and whined (but not screaming and tantrum-ing!) on and off for about 45 minutes. She got more upset around 7:00 p.m., so we checked her diaper to be sure she didn't pull one of her patented I-don't-want-to-go-to-sleep-poops, then laid her back down and soothed her for a few minutes. Asleep at 7:14 p.m. Success! Then she woke up around 8:00 p.m. and would. not. go. back. to. sleep. although she was so, so exhausted. S and I took turns soothing her every 30 minutes or so while she fussed and cried for two and a half hours. At 10:30 p.m., I noticed she had been quiet for several minutes and went back to check on her. This is what I found.
 |
| Just pretend this baby is blonde and in a Pack-N-Play, not on a shelf. |
Sleeping standing up, with her head on the rail of the Pack-N-Play. For the second night in a row. I gently laid her down and she (mercifully) stayed asleep.
I don't know why, but in that moment of seeing her like that, I felt so incredibly sad and guilty. I'm sure I was just projecting my own emotions on the situation, but I teared up when I saw her standing there sleeping and could only think of how she must have been standing back in that room, literally for hours, waiting for her Mama and Dada who never came. It was heartbreaking. I'm going to cry again now just thinking about it!
Thankfully, I feel a little less guilty today due to her being in a great mood. I can tell she got some real rest last night for the first time in weeks. She has been happy and goofy and doesn't appear to hate me, so that makes me feel much better. :-) I am hoping tonight is even easier!
Monday, January 21, 2013
Sleep Plan: Day 2
Day 2 of our plan didn't show much improvement. No surprise there.
Naps yesterday were still terrible. The first nap she screamed/fussed for the entire 60 minutes and never went to sleep. The second nap, she cried for 60 minutes, then I went in and soothed her (without picking her up) and she almost immediately fell asleep. (I know, her "nap" is supposed to be over after 60 minutes, but she had slept all of 6.5 of the the last 36 hours, and we had church obligations, and I could NOT take her in the state she was in. Letting her sleep vs. keeping the schedule was the lesser of two evils.) That nap lasted 30 minutes.
She was a monster yesterday afternoon, throwing multiple tantrums out of sheer frustration and exhaustion.
Last night went marginally better than the first. Bedtime at 8:00 p.m. She cried for an entire hour when we put her down to sleep, then finally fell asleep when I went in to soothe her around 9:00 p.m. The rest of the night, she was still awake every 1-2 hours but I stuck with keeping her in her bed and only nursing her at the scheduled times. There was lots and lots of screaming and crying. S went to sleep on the couch, he was so frustrated that he couldn't take it any more. I was so exhausted that after one waking, I fell asleep with her still crying. I honestly have no idea whether she soothed herself to sleep, or if she just continued to cry until I woke up the next time.
I really hope she figures this out soon. We are all SO TIRED.
Naps yesterday were still terrible. The first nap she screamed/fussed for the entire 60 minutes and never went to sleep. The second nap, she cried for 60 minutes, then I went in and soothed her (without picking her up) and she almost immediately fell asleep. (I know, her "nap" is supposed to be over after 60 minutes, but she had slept all of 6.5 of the the last 36 hours, and we had church obligations, and I could NOT take her in the state she was in. Letting her sleep vs. keeping the schedule was the lesser of two evils.) That nap lasted 30 minutes.
She was a monster yesterday afternoon, throwing multiple tantrums out of sheer frustration and exhaustion.
Last night went marginally better than the first. Bedtime at 8:00 p.m. She cried for an entire hour when we put her down to sleep, then finally fell asleep when I went in to soothe her around 9:00 p.m. The rest of the night, she was still awake every 1-2 hours but I stuck with keeping her in her bed and only nursing her at the scheduled times. There was lots and lots of screaming and crying. S went to sleep on the couch, he was so frustrated that he couldn't take it any more. I was so exhausted that after one waking, I fell asleep with her still crying. I honestly have no idea whether she soothed herself to sleep, or if she just continued to cry until I woke up the next time.
I really hope she figures this out soon. We are all SO TIRED.
Sunday, January 20, 2013
The Sleep Plan
Houston, we have a plan.
We have decided to try a slightly modified version of the sleep plan Nicole at The Kavanaugh Report posted awhile back. She got the plan from a behavioral therapist when they were having trouble with her son, Henry's, sleep. It sounds like Henry and E have a lot in common in the stubborn personality and sleep departments, so I am hoping we will have some measure of success with this plan.
We have two things we would like to ultimately accomplish with this plan: 1) cut back on E's night feedings and 2) get E to fall asleep on her own, in her Pack-N-Play, and get her to stay there all night.
Our official sleep plan looks like this:
In addition to what I outlined above, we will also be making a real effort to ensure E eats plenty of solid foods during the day, so that she won't be hungry/trying to make up calories by nursing during the night.
I'm not expecting miracles with this plan, but I am hoping to at least improve on what we've got going on right now... which, as you all know, is pretty dismal. If she will just go to sleep on her own, and only wake a few times and eventually be able to get herself back to sleep when that happens, I will consider this a great success! Anything beyond that would be a fantastic bonus.
So, all of that said... We decided to implement this plan yesterday. S and I are both off from work on Monday, which will give us some extra time to be tired with minimal consequences. It will also give me until Friday to be home with E before she goes back to the babysitter, so we will have almost a full week to hopefully get into some kind of groove.
Day one of The Plan went almost exactly as I thought it would. I rocked her to sleep for her first nap, so that we weren't starting out with her already extremely overtired. For her second nap, we put her down at 2:15 p.m. We let her cry for 60 minutes, then went in to reassure her every 30 minutes after that. She was awake and crying until 5:15 p.m., when I went in and patted her chest until she fell asleep.* She slept 30 minutes.
Bedtime last night wasn't any better. I nursed her and we put her to bed at 8:00 p.m. She cried and fussed until 11:45 p.m. (with us checking on her periodically), when S went to check on her, and found her sleeping standing up in her Pack-N-Play. He tried to lay her down, and she woke up, so I nursed her and patted her chest again until she fell asleep. She was then awake at 2:00 a.m., 4:30 a.m. (nursed), and 6:30 a.m. I am proud to say we were able to get her back to sleep in the Pack-N-Play at 2:00 and 4:30, which I consider a small victory in itself. I tried to soothe her back to sleep for about 45 minutes once she woke up at 6:30, then gave up and decided to just get up for the day.
She is now fussing through her 60 minutes of morning nap time. I'm really, really hoping today goes better for us! I know it will likely take at least 3-4 days to see any real improvement, so I'm not holding my breath.
Wish us luck!
*After hearing her scream for three hours at that nap attempt, I emailed Nicole to find out what they did after Henry failed to fall asleep after 60 minutes. I had assumed E had to stay back there, so she didn't think she had "won" by fighting sleep for an hour, but Nicole told me that after 60 minutes they considered the nap to be over, so we modified our plan accordingly. It sounds much more manageable to me than listening to E CIO for three hours every time she has to take a nap!
We have decided to try a slightly modified version of the sleep plan Nicole at The Kavanaugh Report posted awhile back. She got the plan from a behavioral therapist when they were having trouble with her son, Henry's, sleep. It sounds like Henry and E have a lot in common in the stubborn personality and sleep departments, so I am hoping we will have some measure of success with this plan.
We have two things we would like to ultimately accomplish with this plan: 1) cut back on E's night feedings and 2) get E to fall asleep on her own, in her Pack-N-Play, and get her to stay there all night.
Our official sleep plan looks like this:
- Strict wake-up time of 8:00 every morning. E can get up earlier than this if she is ready, but we will not let her sleep any later than 8:00 a.m.
- First nap 2.5 hours after she wakes up.
- Nurse her before her nap. Then, put her down for her nap awake and do not return for 60 minutes. If she is still awake after 60 minutes, the "nap" is over, and we try again at her next scheduled nap time.
- Repeat same routine for her afternoon nap at 2:00 p.m.
- Regular bedtime routine and have her in bed by 8:00 p.m. I will nurse her before bedtime, but we will put her down awake. At night, we can go in to reassure her/soothe her as often as needed, but we cannot pick her up until 60 minutes pass. After 60 minutes, we can pick her up and rock her, etc., but must put her back down awake.
- Only allowing her to nurse twice per night. Since she is used to nursing all night long, I hate to just cut her off cold-turkey, so we decided to cut her back gradually. For the first week, I will let her nurse once after midnight and once after 4:00 a.m. Next week (assuming she is still waking multiple times...) she will only be allowed to nurse once, and only after 2:00 a.m. Each time she nurses, she must be put back down awake.
- NO SLEEPING IN OUR BED NO MATTER WHAT.
In addition to what I outlined above, we will also be making a real effort to ensure E eats plenty of solid foods during the day, so that she won't be hungry/trying to make up calories by nursing during the night.
I'm not expecting miracles with this plan, but I am hoping to at least improve on what we've got going on right now... which, as you all know, is pretty dismal. If she will just go to sleep on her own, and only wake a few times and eventually be able to get herself back to sleep when that happens, I will consider this a great success! Anything beyond that would be a fantastic bonus.
So, all of that said... We decided to implement this plan yesterday. S and I are both off from work on Monday, which will give us some extra time to be tired with minimal consequences. It will also give me until Friday to be home with E before she goes back to the babysitter, so we will have almost a full week to hopefully get into some kind of groove.
Day one of The Plan went almost exactly as I thought it would. I rocked her to sleep for her first nap, so that we weren't starting out with her already extremely overtired. For her second nap, we put her down at 2:15 p.m. We let her cry for 60 minutes, then went in to reassure her every 30 minutes after that. She was awake and crying until 5:15 p.m., when I went in and patted her chest until she fell asleep.* She slept 30 minutes.
Bedtime last night wasn't any better. I nursed her and we put her to bed at 8:00 p.m. She cried and fussed until 11:45 p.m. (with us checking on her periodically), when S went to check on her, and found her sleeping standing up in her Pack-N-Play. He tried to lay her down, and she woke up, so I nursed her and patted her chest again until she fell asleep. She was then awake at 2:00 a.m., 4:30 a.m. (nursed), and 6:30 a.m. I am proud to say we were able to get her back to sleep in the Pack-N-Play at 2:00 and 4:30, which I consider a small victory in itself. I tried to soothe her back to sleep for about 45 minutes once she woke up at 6:30, then gave up and decided to just get up for the day.
She is now fussing through her 60 minutes of morning nap time. I'm really, really hoping today goes better for us! I know it will likely take at least 3-4 days to see any real improvement, so I'm not holding my breath.
Wish us luck!
*After hearing her scream for three hours at that nap attempt, I emailed Nicole to find out what they did after Henry failed to fall asleep after 60 minutes. I had assumed E had to stay back there, so she didn't think she had "won" by fighting sleep for an hour, but Nicole told me that after 60 minutes they considered the nap to be over, so we modified our plan accordingly. It sounds much more manageable to me than listening to E CIO for three hours every time she has to take a nap!
Saturday, January 19, 2013
re: HELP
Thank you all for the thoughtful comments on my last post. I meant to respond last night, but was so exhausted by the time I made it home that I crashed. We all did, actually. I woke up at midnight having been asleep in the recliner in the living room with E on my chest and S passed out on the couch.
Since she wasn't sleeping anyway, S and I decided to do whatever it took to get her to sleep last night so we could all start over refreshed. S and I are currently working on a plan and then we are going to do it. Whatever "it" ends up being. I will keep you posted.
Also, sorry for the horrible formatting on my last post. I wrote that from my phone and it looked fine from there, but when I finally read it on my computer all I saw was a jumbled mess. It should be fixed now.
Thanks again for your support and suggestions on this. I believe I have replied to everyone's comments on my last post. If you have anything else to add, I would love to hear it!
Thanks again!
Since she wasn't sleeping anyway, S and I decided to do whatever it took to get her to sleep last night so we could all start over refreshed. S and I are currently working on a plan and then we are going to do it. Whatever "it" ends up being. I will keep you posted.
Also, sorry for the horrible formatting on my last post. I wrote that from my phone and it looked fine from there, but when I finally read it on my computer all I saw was a jumbled mess. It should be fixed now.
Thanks again for your support and suggestions on this. I believe I have replied to everyone's comments on my last post. If you have anything else to add, I would love to hear it!
Thanks again!
Friday, January 18, 2013
HELP
After the past few weeks, I am convinced we desperately need help with E's sleep. I am at my wits end.
Before she got sick, she was starting to fight going back to sleep when she wakes in the middle of the night, but I could usually snuggle her or nurse her back to sleep. Then when she was sick, she got completely out of her routine, and now she WILL NOT go back to sleep at night. She violently thrashes around, screams "NO NO NO NO!", kicks, hits, slaps, and claws us (even when just laying next to her on our bed). Last night, she flung herself out of our bed and hit her head on the nightstand, leaving a gash on her forehead. It is no longer safe for her to sleep in our bed. Something has to change.
This is where we are at:
E still sleeps in our room. We don't want to change this yet, unless absolutely necessary.
We put her down for the night drowsy but awake into her Pack N Play next to our bed. Sometimes she goes down without a fight, other times it takes one hour or longer. I bring her into our bed when she wakes during the night.
She will NOT go to sleep on her own if we leave the room. We have let her CIO for 2+ hours before, with no success. She only gets more angry and upset. At bedtime, we usually sit next to her PNP and pat her as needed.
E sleeps at least 10 (interrupted) hours per night.
When home with me, she takes two naps per day, usually totaling 2-3 hours of nap in all. She goes down for her naps consistently between 10:00-11:00 and 1:30-2:30.
On days when she goes to the babysitter, she has no consistent nap schedule. Since she will not go to sleep on her own, she is at the mercy of when the babysitters kids nap so the babysitter can get her down. I assume this is part of the problem, but don't know how to change it.
E has been nursing a lot at night. I also suspect this is part of the problem, but am hesitant to stop cold turkey because she doesn't always eat much during the day. I want to make sure she gets enough nutrition.
We have tried every sleep training method, even Ferber and straight CIO, with no success. (And yes we have been consistent and tried each method for long enough we should have seen an improvement.) We have had the most luck with The Sleep Lady's methods, but they only work for bedtime and not E's many night wakings.
We cannot spend all night fighting with E about sleep. S is in medical school doing his rotations and frequently has 12-15 hour days. He cannot afford to miss what little sleep he gets.
Our house is small enough, we can hear her screaming from any other room, even if we did try to just leave her somewhere else and let her CIO all night.
I think that is all relevent information. PLEASE HELP. I am about to have a mental breakdown.
Before she got sick, she was starting to fight going back to sleep when she wakes in the middle of the night, but I could usually snuggle her or nurse her back to sleep. Then when she was sick, she got completely out of her routine, and now she WILL NOT go back to sleep at night. She violently thrashes around, screams "NO NO NO NO!", kicks, hits, slaps, and claws us (even when just laying next to her on our bed). Last night, she flung herself out of our bed and hit her head on the nightstand, leaving a gash on her forehead. It is no longer safe for her to sleep in our bed. Something has to change.
This is where we are at:
E still sleeps in our room. We don't want to change this yet, unless absolutely necessary.
We put her down for the night drowsy but awake into her Pack N Play next to our bed. Sometimes she goes down without a fight, other times it takes one hour or longer. I bring her into our bed when she wakes during the night.
She will NOT go to sleep on her own if we leave the room. We have let her CIO for 2+ hours before, with no success. She only gets more angry and upset. At bedtime, we usually sit next to her PNP and pat her as needed.
E sleeps at least 10 (interrupted) hours per night.
When home with me, she takes two naps per day, usually totaling 2-3 hours of nap in all. She goes down for her naps consistently between 10:00-11:00 and 1:30-2:30.
On days when she goes to the babysitter, she has no consistent nap schedule. Since she will not go to sleep on her own, she is at the mercy of when the babysitters kids nap so the babysitter can get her down. I assume this is part of the problem, but don't know how to change it.
E has been nursing a lot at night. I also suspect this is part of the problem, but am hesitant to stop cold turkey because she doesn't always eat much during the day. I want to make sure she gets enough nutrition.
We have tried every sleep training method, even Ferber and straight CIO, with no success. (And yes we have been consistent and tried each method for long enough we should have seen an improvement.) We have had the most luck with The Sleep Lady's methods, but they only work for bedtime and not E's many night wakings.
We cannot spend all night fighting with E about sleep. S is in medical school doing his rotations and frequently has 12-15 hour days. He cannot afford to miss what little sleep he gets.
Our house is small enough, we can hear her screaming from any other room, even if we did try to just leave her somewhere else and let her CIO all night.
I think that is all relevent information. PLEASE HELP. I am about to have a mental breakdown.
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Here We Go Again
Well, I was looking forward to writing a triumphant post about how I was finally overcoming my vaginismus. S and I were finally able to have sex last Wednesday, and while it wasn't as good for me as it has been in the past, I wasn't in pain and my body didn't lock up. I was so relieved and thrilled to finally think I was getting that part of my life back.
After we had sex last week, S's mood completely changed and the tension that had existed between us for the better part of the past year seemed to have lifted. S and I had the best week we've had in a long time, and I felt like I did back before all of this happened, back when he and I were still so happy.
Until now.
Tonight, I feel like we took a major step backwards. S has been talking and not-so-subtlely hinting about sex for the past few days and when it didn't happen tonight, he completely shut down and went back to giving me the silent treatment.
I feel so defeated. I HATE feeling pressured to have sex, like I have to do it just to keep him happy. We have discussed this at length, and I have also spent a lot of time working through this in therapy. But tonight, all of S's talk about sex and then his pouting when it didn't happen makes me feel like sex is all he cares about, like he doesn't even care about how hard I have worked to get here, or how long it took me get back to a place where I could even physically have sex, much less actually want to do it and be excited about it. Its like he forgets/doesn't care about how great our life together is in every other area because he is just so fixated on the frequency of our sex life.
I am just venting now, I guess. I am just so, so sad to be back here again.
After we had sex last week, S's mood completely changed and the tension that had existed between us for the better part of the past year seemed to have lifted. S and I had the best week we've had in a long time, and I felt like I did back before all of this happened, back when he and I were still so happy.
Until now.
Tonight, I feel like we took a major step backwards. S has been talking and not-so-subtlely hinting about sex for the past few days and when it didn't happen tonight, he completely shut down and went back to giving me the silent treatment.
I feel so defeated. I HATE feeling pressured to have sex, like I have to do it just to keep him happy. We have discussed this at length, and I have also spent a lot of time working through this in therapy. But tonight, all of S's talk about sex and then his pouting when it didn't happen makes me feel like sex is all he cares about, like he doesn't even care about how hard I have worked to get here, or how long it took me get back to a place where I could even physically have sex, much less actually want to do it and be excited about it. Its like he forgets/doesn't care about how great our life together is in every other area because he is just so fixated on the frequency of our sex life.
I am just venting now, I guess. I am just so, so sad to be back here again.
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Its getting hot in here...
Over the past few weeks, I have noticed that I am having crazy hot flashes. I am generally cold-natured and am usually the last one to ever complain about the temperature in a room being too warm, but holy crap, it is like something switches within me and I am instantly sweating and burning up!
Like right now -- which prompted this post -- I am sitting in my living room in very lightweight pants and a nursing tank and am BURNING ALIVE. It is 75 degrees in my house, which would generally have me in sweatpants and a sweatshirt. But not today. ACK!
I am wondering if maybe with E starting to wean, if my hormones are starting to return to "normal", and that is the cause of these hot flashes? I still haven't had a postpartum period, and wonder too if perhaps that is also coming 'round the bend. (I sure hope not, I've really enjoyed not having AF for nearly two years now!) Either way, these hot flashes are crazy and unlike anything I've ever experienced, even while pregnant.
Has this happened to anyone else during weaning/the return of AF?
Like right now -- which prompted this post -- I am sitting in my living room in very lightweight pants and a nursing tank and am BURNING ALIVE. It is 75 degrees in my house, which would generally have me in sweatpants and a sweatshirt. But not today. ACK!
I am wondering if maybe with E starting to wean, if my hormones are starting to return to "normal", and that is the cause of these hot flashes? I still haven't had a postpartum period, and wonder too if perhaps that is also coming 'round the bend. (I sure hope not, I've really enjoyed not having AF for nearly two years now!) Either way, these hot flashes are crazy and unlike anything I've ever experienced, even while pregnant.
Has this happened to anyone else during weaning/the return of AF?
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
And Now for Something Completely Different
(Bonus points for anyone who gets the reference!)
But in all seriousness, there is something very personal that has been weighing on me heavily, I just haven't been sure of how or whether to bring it up on this blog. But I have decided to, 1) because blogging has always been very therapeutic for me, 2) because I have felt so ashamed and alone in this, and I hope that by putting this out there that maybe I can help someone else in a similar situation, and 3) because this is my blog, and if I can't be honest here, then what's the point?
That said, the rest of this post is probably NSFW.
Ok... here goes. This post will probably be long and may jump around a bit, but I need to get it out so bear with me.
As I alluded in a previous post, S and I have been struggling in the sex department. For awhile. As in, we haven't successfully had sex since E was born. (She will be 10 months old next week.) And it is ruining our marriage.
In July, I was diagnosed with vaginismus. For those of you afraid to click that link (it is a medical page, I promise!), vaginismus is the involuntary contracting/spasming of the pelvic floor muscles when you attempt to insert something into the vagina, which causes insertion to be extremely painful or even impossible. Some people have it their whole lives, only to discover it the first time they attempt sex (primary vaginismus); for others, it can develop later after a previously successful sex life (secondary vaginismus). Mine is obviously secondary vaginismus, since I was successful in getting pregnant with my daughter.
I'm not really sure when my vaginismus began, or what the triggering event was, but sex started becoming a problem for me when I got pregnant with E. I suspect the seeds were planted during our struggles to get pregnant -- we lost four pregnancies before E, and during that time I endured a lot of invasive, painful, and humiliating exams and procedures while trying to determine what was wrong. When I finally did get pregnant with E, I was put on progesterone suppositories which, anyone who has ever used them will tell you, are extremely messy and do not make you feel sexy AT ALL. I was also extremely sick during my first and part of my second trimesters, and I was absolutely terrified that any physical activity would "shake the baby loose" or cause us to lose yet another pregnancy. Then, once the all-day-sickness subsided and I began finally feeling more confident in the possibility of a successful pregnancy, we tried having sex again, and it HURT. We made several attempts during pregnancy before giving up, resigned to the fact that we would just have to do other things until E made her exit.
Once E was born and we were cleared for post-baby sexy times, we tried again. Again, I was in searing, burning, excruciating pain. This time, we thought maybe I just hadn't yet fully healed from the delivery, or maybe I was just dry from breastfeeding.
Multiple more failed attempts led to a trip to my OB/GYN. He told me I had healed just fine, that it was just dryness from breastfeeding, and gave me (an extremely expensive) tube of estrogen cream to use, which he assured me would make me all better.
Spoiler alert: it didn't.
S and I struggled through the next few months, trying to connect in "other ways" and thinking maybe it would just take time for the cream to work. It never did. S was incredibly patient, but sex and all things related became such a source of tension for us that even non-intercourse relations became difficult for me. S started becoming distant and would become so frustrated with me some days that he would barely speak to me. It was terrible (and some days, it still is).
Finally, in July, S and I had a huge fight that seriously made me question whether our marriage would survive this. That was the kick I needed to make another appointment with my OB/GYN. S had already suggested to me that maybe I was having pelvic floor spasms, so I went prepared to ask my doctor about that. At the appointment, my doctor was so frustrating -- he acted as if he just couldn't believe the estrogen cream didn't fix me, and like my pain was all in my head. Never once did he suggest any other possibilities, and I had to literally ask him if maybe I could be having pelvic floor spasms and could he refer me to someone else. He finally agreed to refer me to a specialist in our town, but I still don't think he believes me.
Thankfully, I was able to get into the specialist within the week, and at our first appointment she quickly diagnosed me with vaginismus. She suggested I begin pelvic floor therapy, which includes Kegle exercises, electroshock therapy (not as terrifying as it sounds -- essentially, TENS for your vagina), and the use of medical dilators to help me control the spasms and get my body comfortable with the idea of sex again.
So far, these treatments seem to be helping me physically, and my physical therapy appointments are getting easier. However, I am still a complete head case when it comes to any kind of intimacy with S. Any kind of remotely-sexual touching makes me extremely anxious and causes me to tense up so badly I can feel my entire body lock up. Obviously this is very distressing to both me and S, so I made the decision to visit a counselor who deals with sexual dysfunction issues to see if we can't get to the root of the problem and fix me once and for all. My first (mental) therapy appointment is tomorrow and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous. However, I am so tired of dealing with this and am desperate to get better and save my relationship with S, so I know this is what I need to do.
Ahhh! Well, there you have it. My big dark secret.
And wow, that got really long. I'm sorry for dumping all of this on you when my blog has been relatively lighthearted thus far, but I have to admit it feels better to get everything out there. As I said at the beginning of my post, I feel so ashamed and alone that I just don't know who to talk to. I feel like I can't tell anyone in real life what is going on, because they wouldn't understand, and because they know both me and S and it would be weird to let them in on such an intimate problem. So, instead, I am dealing with it the healthy way... by giving all of the juicy details to internet strangers!
If you are still reading, thank you for sticking with me while I talked this out. I'm sure I will be talking about all of this more in the future, as I'm afraid I will have a long road to recovery ahead of me.
And if anyone reading this has had similar issues and overcome them, I would love to hear from you. If you don't feel comfortable posting in the comments, you can email me at sahattorney@gmail.com. And if anyone reading this is going through something similar, please, know you are not alone. If you would like to talk, I would love to hear from you as well.
And now... I think I have said enough. Good night, my dear readers.
But in all seriousness, there is something very personal that has been weighing on me heavily, I just haven't been sure of how or whether to bring it up on this blog. But I have decided to, 1) because blogging has always been very therapeutic for me, 2) because I have felt so ashamed and alone in this, and I hope that by putting this out there that maybe I can help someone else in a similar situation, and 3) because this is my blog, and if I can't be honest here, then what's the point?
That said, the rest of this post is probably NSFW.
Ok... here goes. This post will probably be long and may jump around a bit, but I need to get it out so bear with me.
As I alluded in a previous post, S and I have been struggling in the sex department. For awhile. As in, we haven't successfully had sex since E was born. (She will be 10 months old next week.) And it is ruining our marriage.
In July, I was diagnosed with vaginismus. For those of you afraid to click that link (it is a medical page, I promise!), vaginismus is the involuntary contracting/spasming of the pelvic floor muscles when you attempt to insert something into the vagina, which causes insertion to be extremely painful or even impossible. Some people have it their whole lives, only to discover it the first time they attempt sex (primary vaginismus); for others, it can develop later after a previously successful sex life (secondary vaginismus). Mine is obviously secondary vaginismus, since I was successful in getting pregnant with my daughter.
I'm not really sure when my vaginismus began, or what the triggering event was, but sex started becoming a problem for me when I got pregnant with E. I suspect the seeds were planted during our struggles to get pregnant -- we lost four pregnancies before E, and during that time I endured a lot of invasive, painful, and humiliating exams and procedures while trying to determine what was wrong. When I finally did get pregnant with E, I was put on progesterone suppositories which, anyone who has ever used them will tell you, are extremely messy and do not make you feel sexy AT ALL. I was also extremely sick during my first and part of my second trimesters, and I was absolutely terrified that any physical activity would "shake the baby loose" or cause us to lose yet another pregnancy. Then, once the all-day-sickness subsided and I began finally feeling more confident in the possibility of a successful pregnancy, we tried having sex again, and it HURT. We made several attempts during pregnancy before giving up, resigned to the fact that we would just have to do other things until E made her exit.
Once E was born and we were cleared for post-baby sexy times, we tried again. Again, I was in searing, burning, excruciating pain. This time, we thought maybe I just hadn't yet fully healed from the delivery, or maybe I was just dry from breastfeeding.
Multiple more failed attempts led to a trip to my OB/GYN. He told me I had healed just fine, that it was just dryness from breastfeeding, and gave me (an extremely expensive) tube of estrogen cream to use, which he assured me would make me all better.
Spoiler alert: it didn't.
S and I struggled through the next few months, trying to connect in "other ways" and thinking maybe it would just take time for the cream to work. It never did. S was incredibly patient, but sex and all things related became such a source of tension for us that even non-intercourse relations became difficult for me. S started becoming distant and would become so frustrated with me some days that he would barely speak to me. It was terrible (and some days, it still is).
Finally, in July, S and I had a huge fight that seriously made me question whether our marriage would survive this. That was the kick I needed to make another appointment with my OB/GYN. S had already suggested to me that maybe I was having pelvic floor spasms, so I went prepared to ask my doctor about that. At the appointment, my doctor was so frustrating -- he acted as if he just couldn't believe the estrogen cream didn't fix me, and like my pain was all in my head. Never once did he suggest any other possibilities, and I had to literally ask him if maybe I could be having pelvic floor spasms and could he refer me to someone else. He finally agreed to refer me to a specialist in our town, but I still don't think he believes me.
Thankfully, I was able to get into the specialist within the week, and at our first appointment she quickly diagnosed me with vaginismus. She suggested I begin pelvic floor therapy, which includes Kegle exercises, electroshock therapy (not as terrifying as it sounds -- essentially, TENS for your vagina), and the use of medical dilators to help me control the spasms and get my body comfortable with the idea of sex again.
So far, these treatments seem to be helping me physically, and my physical therapy appointments are getting easier. However, I am still a complete head case when it comes to any kind of intimacy with S. Any kind of remotely-sexual touching makes me extremely anxious and causes me to tense up so badly I can feel my entire body lock up. Obviously this is very distressing to both me and S, so I made the decision to visit a counselor who deals with sexual dysfunction issues to see if we can't get to the root of the problem and fix me once and for all. My first (mental) therapy appointment is tomorrow and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous. However, I am so tired of dealing with this and am desperate to get better and save my relationship with S, so I know this is what I need to do.
Ahhh! Well, there you have it. My big dark secret.
And wow, that got really long. I'm sorry for dumping all of this on you when my blog has been relatively lighthearted thus far, but I have to admit it feels better to get everything out there. As I said at the beginning of my post, I feel so ashamed and alone that I just don't know who to talk to. I feel like I can't tell anyone in real life what is going on, because they wouldn't understand, and because they know both me and S and it would be weird to let them in on such an intimate problem. So, instead, I am dealing with it the healthy way... by giving all of the juicy details to internet strangers!
If you are still reading, thank you for sticking with me while I talked this out. I'm sure I will be talking about all of this more in the future, as I'm afraid I will have a long road to recovery ahead of me.
And if anyone reading this has had similar issues and overcome them, I would love to hear from you. If you don't feel comfortable posting in the comments, you can email me at sahattorney@gmail.com. And if anyone reading this is going through something similar, please, know you are not alone. If you would like to talk, I would love to hear from you as well.
And now... I think I have said enough. Good night, my dear readers.
On Contact Lenses
I got my first pair of glasses at the ripe old age of 8. My parents finally agreed to let me get contacts when I turned 13. So I have been wearing them for over a decade now, and have never had any problems with them.
... Until I got pregnant. I'm not really sure when the change happened, as I was so sick for the first ~4 months that I just wore my glasses most days and didn't fuss with trying to get my contacts in. But then, when I tried wearing them again, I couldn't. My eyes would itch and burn and within an hour of putting my contacts in, I'd be clawing at my eyes trying to get them out.
I brought it up to my OB at an appointment and he confirmed that yes, due to hormonal changes in pregnancy, some women experience dry eyes which make contacts uncomfortable to wear. He also said that some women's eyes change shape during pregnancy, further compounding the problem. After that appointment, I pretty much gave up on wearing my contacts, and planned to see an eye doctor after E was born if it continued to be a problem.
Long story short, E came out, but I still couldn't keep my contacts in. A trip to the eye doctor confirmed that my eyes had indeed changed shape while I was pregnant. I was fitted with new contacts that felt much better. I thought I was good to go.
Now she is almost 10 months old, and my eyes are still red and crusted over this morning because I wore my contacts for four hours last night.
I have tried new lenses, new cleaning solution, everything... And I still cannot comfortably wear contacts for more than an hour or two. Now the issue seems to be more with dryness/irritation than poor fit, which I wonder if might improve once I stop breastfeeding. I had never heard of this being an issue before I got pregnant, so I have no clue what else might be wrong.
Has anyone else had this problem? Did it ever resolve?
... Until I got pregnant. I'm not really sure when the change happened, as I was so sick for the first ~4 months that I just wore my glasses most days and didn't fuss with trying to get my contacts in. But then, when I tried wearing them again, I couldn't. My eyes would itch and burn and within an hour of putting my contacts in, I'd be clawing at my eyes trying to get them out.
I brought it up to my OB at an appointment and he confirmed that yes, due to hormonal changes in pregnancy, some women experience dry eyes which make contacts uncomfortable to wear. He also said that some women's eyes change shape during pregnancy, further compounding the problem. After that appointment, I pretty much gave up on wearing my contacts, and planned to see an eye doctor after E was born if it continued to be a problem.
Long story short, E came out, but I still couldn't keep my contacts in. A trip to the eye doctor confirmed that my eyes had indeed changed shape while I was pregnant. I was fitted with new contacts that felt much better. I thought I was good to go.
Now she is almost 10 months old, and my eyes are still red and crusted over this morning because I wore my contacts for four hours last night.
I have tried new lenses, new cleaning solution, everything... And I still cannot comfortably wear contacts for more than an hour or two. Now the issue seems to be more with dryness/irritation than poor fit, which I wonder if might improve once I stop breastfeeding. I had never heard of this being an issue before I got pregnant, so I have no clue what else might be wrong.
Has anyone else had this problem? Did it ever resolve?
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