Apology

I wanted to say I'm sorry for complaining so much lately.

I just re-read what I posted at 3:00 this morning and realized I sound like such a whiner. 

E is having a hard time, it is not her fault, and I should have more compassion for her.  Instead I find myself so angry and frustrated, especially in the middle of the night.  Of course I would never take that frustration out on E, but I feel guilty for even thinking it.  I love that little girl more than anything in this world, and I feel like a horrible person for letting myself get so frustrated with her. 

I know what you are thinking, have S help so I can get some sleep.  S does help.  He is amazing.  He gets as little or less sleep than I do, and still manages to function (and excel) at his rotations every day.  But about 80% of the time, when E wakes up at night, she wants nothing to do with S, so even if he gets up with her, I ultimately end up having to get up too.

I know she won't be little forever.  I know the teething will pass.  I am just so tired.  I haven't slept more than six consecutive hours in almost two years.  I haven't slept more than three hours at once in weeks.  It is really taking a toll on me physically and mentally, and I don't know how to make it better.

And then I feel like a complete jerk for even letting myself complain about these things.  Especially when I think of how long we waited and struggled to become parents.  When I think of the couples who would kill to have my "problems" and who would do anything to be in my tired, grouchy shoes.

So, please, accept my apology for letting this all get the best of me.  I'm sorry I've been such a downer on my blog lately.  I'm sorry for all of the negativity.

I'm going to do my best to be more positive and to focus on the good things.  Like my amazing, beautiful, healthy daughter and my loving, encouraging, supportive husband.

And coffee... Lots and lots of coffee.

I Hate Teething

Yes, you read the time stamp correctly.  I have completely given up on getting any sleep. 

After doing so well with our new sleep plan, E is now back to waking up every 30 minutes-1 hour, all night long, again. When she wakes up, she screams and refuses to even lay back down, no matter what else we try.  It has been like this for over a week now.  I am so frustrated I could cry. 

I am 99.9% sure it is teething pain that is waking her up.  She's been working on her molars (all four are erupted now, and hugely swollen).  We've been alternating giving her Tylenol and Motrin, but nothing seems to bring her any relief. 

I feel so bad for her that she is in pain, but I am SO TIRED.

Teething, Dairy, and Sleep Plan: Day 17

E has had quite an eventful 24 hours.

We've discovered a possible reason why her sleep had regressed these past few days... She's been growing FOUR molars!  We knew she had been teething, but last night discovered she has not one, but two, molars popping through!  And she has two more that are so swollen they will surely erupt any day now.  Poor girl!

Also... it seems she has been "dairy-ed" again.  Her little stomach is so upset.  I feel SO bad for her, and don't know how this could have happened again.  Since the great dairy-carrot incident, I have read every label of every food product to pass her lips.  I have a list of the names of "hidden dairy" ingredients in my phone to check against ingredient lists.  We haven't eaten in any restaurants, where she may have consumed questionable ingredients.  The only thing I can think is that she must have eaten something at the Superbowl party we went to, even though I was the only one to feed her and asked our friend (the host) about dairy in all of the food before giving her anything.  I just don't know what else I can do, short of not letting her eat anything that I haven't read the ingredients list of or personally prepared myself.  But I can't let this keep happening... Other food-allergy sufferers, how do you handle this?

On a positive note, E slept from 8:00 p.m. until 2:00 a.m., uninterrupted, last night!  SIX WHOLE HOURS! Then she only woke one more time before waking up for the day around 6:00 a.m.  WHOOHOO!!!!! 

Some Baby That I Used to Know...

(Apologies to Gotye.)

I'm not sure what happened to our sweet, chill, easy-going baby.  But she seems to have been body-snatched and replaced by an angsty, frustrated, tantrum-throwing pre-toddler.

These past three days have been some of the most difficult days I've had with E in a long time.  She has been SO frustrated and throwing temper tantrums over every little thing.  Her mood fluctuates wildly from perfectly calm and happy to full-blown temper tantrum several times per hour.  She starts and stops tantrums so quickly that sometimes I cannot even determine what it was that set her off.  And heaven forbid if she gets into something she shouldn't have and I take it away... complete meltdown. 

She is also refusing to nap, screaming and fighting going to sleep for an hour or more before I finally give up and just let her stay awake.  Of the few times she has finally fussed herself to sleep these past few days, she wakes up only 20-30 minutes later.  (She took two 20-minute naps yesterday.  That is only 40 minutes of napping.  For the WHOLE DAY.  She was awake practically 13 hours!)

Bed time hasn't been any better.  After weeks of going to sleep on her own, without fuss, she is now back to fighting it for an hour or more.  Last night, she cried on and off for an entire hour before finally falling asleep.  I tried everything -- leaving her to CIO (only makes her angrier!), laying with her (she hit me and pushed me away), nursing her (more hitting and pushing), and rocking her (physically fighting and kicking, trying to wrestle herself free).  Nothing worked...  Until she finally realized that she WAS actually hungry, nursed for a few minutes, and then passed out for three hours.

Oh, and she has also been refusing to nurse during the day as well.  So on top of being exhausted, she is also likely starving.  She is teething something awful (working on four new teeth!), and on the cusp of several big milestones (crawling, cruising, standing, walking), which I'm sure is also part of the problem.  Those things combined make her such a frustrated, clingy, grouchy mess that she will hardly let me put her down... lest she have another tantrum.

I'm really just rambling.  It is frustrating to deal with, but mostly I just feel sad and helpless.  I hate watching her being so frustrated and having such a hard time, but there doesn't seem to be anything I can do to make it better, other than just ride it out. 

Did anyone else go through this with an almost-one-year-old?  Any suggestions?  How long did it last?  Is there anything else I can do to make this time easier for E (and S and me)?

Boobie Trap Bingo

I've been reflecting on me and E's breastfeeding relationship a lot lately, as I am starting to think about how and when she will wean.  She has a mouth full of chompers now, and has been increasingly interested in eating more solid foods, so I'm sure the time will come before I know it.  Add to that the fact that yesterday I was diagnosed with mastitis and my right boob is currently SO painful I can barely stand to feed her, and the issue of weaning is definitely fresh on my mind.

I always imagined I would breastfeed E for a year, and then follow her cues as to how long to continue after that.  I like the idea of baby-led weaning and definitely don't want to cut her off before she is ready, but at the same time I am starting to look forward to the day when I can have my boobs back to myself (S is too... haha!).  So, I kind of feel like the end is in sight.  I thought I might be more sentimental about losing that bonding time with her -- and maybe down the road, once I've had some distance, I will be -- but right now, I feel at peace with weaning her whenever she is ready.

Anyway, all of that has been on my mind lately.  Then I stumbled upon this post at The Alpha Parent, another blog I read, about all of the potential difficulties you must overcome while breastfeeding, and I decided to play her game of "Boobie Trap Bingo".

Here is my completed bingo card (click to enlarge):

No "bingo!" for me, but I have to say that I have been extremely fortunate to face as few of these challenges as I have.  I have had to pump at work for seven months now, but several of my coworkers had pumped before me, and my employer and other coworkers never batted an eye at my need to relieve myself.  E had some weight gain issues in the beginning, and we did have to supplement with formula for a few weeks, but I am lucky that we were able to increase my supply and get her back to exclusively breastfeeding for as long as we have.

I am also extremely thankful that I have had such supportive friends and family, many who breastfed/are breastfeeding their children and who have been a great resource for me.   And of course I am fortunate to have a supportive partner.  S has been my biggest breastfeeding-cheerleader all along, and never encouraged me to quit and switch to formula, even during the most difficult times.  S was by my side reminding me what a great thing I was doing, and literally cheering me on -- "you can do it! you are doing great! hang in there!" -- when I was sobbing in pain while feeding E during our 13-week-long battle with thrush.  He has also not complained once that he has been effectively cut off from "the girls" while I've been nursing E; it is just too uncomfortable and weird for me to think of them as anything but a food source right now.  I know that not everyone has such a wonderful support system. 

Whew!  Well, that was probably more than you ever wanted or needed to know about my breastfeeding adventures.  LOL

If any of you decide you'd like to play Boobie Trap Bingo as well, click on over to The Alpha Parent and complete and post your bingo card too.  I'd love to see them!  :-)

Go the F*ck to Sleep

(NOTE: This is not a sponsored post or a review of the book mentioned. Just the sleep-deprived ranting of a desperate mom.)

Someone is definitely getting this book for her birthday.

These past few days have been particularly frustrating for me and S.   It seems E has forgotten how to sleep.

E has never been what I would call a "good sleeper".  She slept through the night a handful of times when she was 8-10 weeks old, and never again since.  From the time she was 3 months old until about 6 months old, she was waking up every hour every.single.night.

After months of delirium from lack of sleep, we finally caved and tried sleep training.  I cannot stand the thought of leaving her alone to cry it out (CIO), so we tried The Sleep Lady's sleep shuffle method.  After just a few nights, E was putting herself to sleep without a fight and sleeping 2-3 hours in between wakings -- we considered that great success, given her history.

Long story short, E has continued to wake 1-3 times per night since then, which has been totally manageable.  Until this week.

The combination of teething (four new teeth in three weeks -- yikes) and recovering from a cold seem to have rendered her unable to sleep.  This entire past week, she has fought going down for bedtime, and then has been waking up multiple times per night, shrieking and screaming at the top of her lungs, inconsolable, and refusing to go back to sleep.  It has been so bad, I've been taking her either to the recliner in the living room or to the guest room to sleep, so that S can get some rest (he's in medical school and doing rotations right now, and has to be at the hospital at 4:00 a.m.).  Even then, she continues to scream, and nothing I do helps.  She refuses to eat, fights me when I try to hold her or rock her, and does not improve after a diaper change.  I even took her to the doctor to rule out an ear infection, and the doctor confirmed nothing was wrong other than a stuffy nose.

Thursday night, she screamed and cried for 1.5 hours non-stop, and I got all of three hours of sleep (and actually had to work the next day, awesome).  The past two nights, it has taken over two hours of her crying and fussing, and us soothing (and failing), just to get her to fall asleep at "bedtime"... only to have her wake up an hour later and refuse to go back to sleep.  Oh, and she does the same routine at nap time, and has literally taken like three naps all weekend.  S and I are losing our damn minds. 

I am so frustrated.  I feel like such a failure when I can't get E to sleep.  Last night I was in tears.  We tried feeding her, holding her, rocking her, laying with her, singing to her, leaving her to CIO... NOTHING WORKS.  I get so angry and frustrated with her that I just give up and leave her to CIO.  Then I feel guilty for getting angry, and feel like a shitty parent for letting her cry for so long.  Especially if she is sick or in pain from teething.  But then I think she HAS to learn to sleep on her own, and then I get frustrated all over again that everything we've tried for the past 6 months seems to now be useless.  I don't know why it is so hard for her to just close her eyes and freaking go to sleep.

And now I feel guilty again for just having written that.  She is only a baby!  I shouldn't feel this way.

Sigh.  I don't really know what the point of this post is.  Just ranting, I guess. 

If anyone has any suggestions I would love to hear them.

Or just tell me I'm not a shit mom. 

Nursing and weaning and TEETH, oh my!

E is nine months old now, and in just the past few weeks has gone from two teeth to SIX!  She now has two on the top and four on the bottom, and all are equally razor-sharp.  She is also still nursing 4-6 times per day and 1-3 times per night.  (You can probably guess where this is going...) 

In the past two days, I have been bitten at least 5 times.  OUCH.  Every time she does it I immediately remove her and say "NO BITING!" and set her on the floor across the room from me.  Once or twice she cried, the other times she didn't seem to care.  This is the advice I have been told and seen given repeatedly online to stop the biting, but I can't help but wonder if it is really effective if she doesn't get upset?  I would love to hear any other ideas if anyone has them!

I also have noticed that when she is nursing, I can definitely feel her top teeth digging into my skin.  A few times I have even seen clear teeth marks where they were after she finished eating.  It doesn't hurt as much as the biting, but is still pretty uncomfortable.  I also really worry about this getting worse as her teeth continue to grow in, but am not sure there is much I can do other than tough it out.  

My goal for E has always been to nurse for at least a year, but follow her lead when it comes time to wean.  (However, the recent teeth situation is definitely giving me pause...) I guess you could say we've been doing "modified baby-led weaning" since she started trying solids, and it seems to be working for us.  In just the past week or so, E has really started refusing to nurse, instead wanting to eat more and more "real" food.  She will still take milk from a bottle or sippy cup, but will flat out refuse it straight from the tap.  I try to make sure she takes milk first and solids second, so that I can be sure she is still getting enough nutrition, but she just doesn't seem interested in the milk.  She will not eat anything pureed -- she will only eat small pieces of actual food -- so I can't even sneak any milk in that way.  I'm not sure if this is just a phase, or if my baby really is weaning herself already. 

*tear*  They grow up so fast!