Over the past few weeks, I have noticed that I am having crazy hot flashes. I am generally cold-natured and am usually the last one to ever complain about the temperature in a room being too warm, but holy crap, it is like something switches within me and I am instantly sweating and burning up!
Like right now -- which prompted this post -- I am sitting in my living room in very lightweight pants and a nursing tank and am BURNING ALIVE. It is 75 degrees in my house, which would generally have me in sweatpants and a sweatshirt. But not today. ACK!
I am wondering if maybe with E starting to wean, if my hormones are starting to return to "normal", and that is the cause of these hot flashes? I still haven't had a postpartum period, and wonder too if perhaps that is also coming 'round the bend. (I sure hope not, I've really enjoyed not having AF for nearly two years now!) Either way, these hot flashes are crazy and unlike anything I've ever experienced, even while pregnant.
Has this happened to anyone else during weaning/the return of AF?
Showing posts with label body after baby. Show all posts
Showing posts with label body after baby. Show all posts
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
And Now for Something Completely Different
(Bonus points for anyone who gets the reference!)
But in all seriousness, there is something very personal that has been weighing on me heavily, I just haven't been sure of how or whether to bring it up on this blog. But I have decided to, 1) because blogging has always been very therapeutic for me, 2) because I have felt so ashamed and alone in this, and I hope that by putting this out there that maybe I can help someone else in a similar situation, and 3) because this is my blog, and if I can't be honest here, then what's the point?
That said, the rest of this post is probably NSFW.
Ok... here goes. This post will probably be long and may jump around a bit, but I need to get it out so bear with me.
As I alluded in a previous post, S and I have been struggling in the sex department. For awhile. As in, we haven't successfully had sex since E was born. (She will be 10 months old next week.) And it is ruining our marriage.
In July, I was diagnosed with vaginismus. For those of you afraid to click that link (it is a medical page, I promise!), vaginismus is the involuntary contracting/spasming of the pelvic floor muscles when you attempt to insert something into the vagina, which causes insertion to be extremely painful or even impossible. Some people have it their whole lives, only to discover it the first time they attempt sex (primary vaginismus); for others, it can develop later after a previously successful sex life (secondary vaginismus). Mine is obviously secondary vaginismus, since I was successful in getting pregnant with my daughter.
I'm not really sure when my vaginismus began, or what the triggering event was, but sex started becoming a problem for me when I got pregnant with E. I suspect the seeds were planted during our struggles to get pregnant -- we lost four pregnancies before E, and during that time I endured a lot of invasive, painful, and humiliating exams and procedures while trying to determine what was wrong. When I finally did get pregnant with E, I was put on progesterone suppositories which, anyone who has ever used them will tell you, are extremely messy and do not make you feel sexy AT ALL. I was also extremely sick during my first and part of my second trimesters, and I was absolutely terrified that any physical activity would "shake the baby loose" or cause us to lose yet another pregnancy. Then, once the all-day-sickness subsided and I began finally feeling more confident in the possibility of a successful pregnancy, we tried having sex again, and it HURT. We made several attempts during pregnancy before giving up, resigned to the fact that we would just have to do other things until E made her exit.
Once E was born and we were cleared for post-baby sexy times, we tried again. Again, I was in searing, burning, excruciating pain. This time, we thought maybe I just hadn't yet fully healed from the delivery, or maybe I was just dry from breastfeeding.
Multiple more failed attempts led to a trip to my OB/GYN. He told me I had healed just fine, that it was just dryness from breastfeeding, and gave me (an extremely expensive) tube of estrogen cream to use, which he assured me would make me all better.
Spoiler alert: it didn't.
S and I struggled through the next few months, trying to connect in "other ways" and thinking maybe it would just take time for the cream to work. It never did. S was incredibly patient, but sex and all things related became such a source of tension for us that even non-intercourse relations became difficult for me. S started becoming distant and would become so frustrated with me some days that he would barely speak to me. It was terrible (and some days, it still is).
Finally, in July, S and I had a huge fight that seriously made me question whether our marriage would survive this. That was the kick I needed to make another appointment with my OB/GYN. S had already suggested to me that maybe I was having pelvic floor spasms, so I went prepared to ask my doctor about that. At the appointment, my doctor was so frustrating -- he acted as if he just couldn't believe the estrogen cream didn't fix me, and like my pain was all in my head. Never once did he suggest any other possibilities, and I had to literally ask him if maybe I could be having pelvic floor spasms and could he refer me to someone else. He finally agreed to refer me to a specialist in our town, but I still don't think he believes me.
Thankfully, I was able to get into the specialist within the week, and at our first appointment she quickly diagnosed me with vaginismus. She suggested I begin pelvic floor therapy, which includes Kegle exercises, electroshock therapy (not as terrifying as it sounds -- essentially, TENS for your vagina), and the use of medical dilators to help me control the spasms and get my body comfortable with the idea of sex again.
So far, these treatments seem to be helping me physically, and my physical therapy appointments are getting easier. However, I am still a complete head case when it comes to any kind of intimacy with S. Any kind of remotely-sexual touching makes me extremely anxious and causes me to tense up so badly I can feel my entire body lock up. Obviously this is very distressing to both me and S, so I made the decision to visit a counselor who deals with sexual dysfunction issues to see if we can't get to the root of the problem and fix me once and for all. My first (mental) therapy appointment is tomorrow and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous. However, I am so tired of dealing with this and am desperate to get better and save my relationship with S, so I know this is what I need to do.
Ahhh! Well, there you have it. My big dark secret.
And wow, that got really long. I'm sorry for dumping all of this on you when my blog has been relatively lighthearted thus far, but I have to admit it feels better to get everything out there. As I said at the beginning of my post, I feel so ashamed and alone that I just don't know who to talk to. I feel like I can't tell anyone in real life what is going on, because they wouldn't understand, and because they know both me and S and it would be weird to let them in on such an intimate problem. So, instead, I am dealing with it the healthy way... by giving all of the juicy details to internet strangers!
If you are still reading, thank you for sticking with me while I talked this out. I'm sure I will be talking about all of this more in the future, as I'm afraid I will have a long road to recovery ahead of me.
And if anyone reading this has had similar issues and overcome them, I would love to hear from you. If you don't feel comfortable posting in the comments, you can email me at sahattorney@gmail.com. And if anyone reading this is going through something similar, please, know you are not alone. If you would like to talk, I would love to hear from you as well.
And now... I think I have said enough. Good night, my dear readers.
But in all seriousness, there is something very personal that has been weighing on me heavily, I just haven't been sure of how or whether to bring it up on this blog. But I have decided to, 1) because blogging has always been very therapeutic for me, 2) because I have felt so ashamed and alone in this, and I hope that by putting this out there that maybe I can help someone else in a similar situation, and 3) because this is my blog, and if I can't be honest here, then what's the point?
That said, the rest of this post is probably NSFW.
Ok... here goes. This post will probably be long and may jump around a bit, but I need to get it out so bear with me.
As I alluded in a previous post, S and I have been struggling in the sex department. For awhile. As in, we haven't successfully had sex since E was born. (She will be 10 months old next week.) And it is ruining our marriage.
In July, I was diagnosed with vaginismus. For those of you afraid to click that link (it is a medical page, I promise!), vaginismus is the involuntary contracting/spasming of the pelvic floor muscles when you attempt to insert something into the vagina, which causes insertion to be extremely painful or even impossible. Some people have it their whole lives, only to discover it the first time they attempt sex (primary vaginismus); for others, it can develop later after a previously successful sex life (secondary vaginismus). Mine is obviously secondary vaginismus, since I was successful in getting pregnant with my daughter.
I'm not really sure when my vaginismus began, or what the triggering event was, but sex started becoming a problem for me when I got pregnant with E. I suspect the seeds were planted during our struggles to get pregnant -- we lost four pregnancies before E, and during that time I endured a lot of invasive, painful, and humiliating exams and procedures while trying to determine what was wrong. When I finally did get pregnant with E, I was put on progesterone suppositories which, anyone who has ever used them will tell you, are extremely messy and do not make you feel sexy AT ALL. I was also extremely sick during my first and part of my second trimesters, and I was absolutely terrified that any physical activity would "shake the baby loose" or cause us to lose yet another pregnancy. Then, once the all-day-sickness subsided and I began finally feeling more confident in the possibility of a successful pregnancy, we tried having sex again, and it HURT. We made several attempts during pregnancy before giving up, resigned to the fact that we would just have to do other things until E made her exit.
Once E was born and we were cleared for post-baby sexy times, we tried again. Again, I was in searing, burning, excruciating pain. This time, we thought maybe I just hadn't yet fully healed from the delivery, or maybe I was just dry from breastfeeding.
Multiple more failed attempts led to a trip to my OB/GYN. He told me I had healed just fine, that it was just dryness from breastfeeding, and gave me (an extremely expensive) tube of estrogen cream to use, which he assured me would make me all better.
Spoiler alert: it didn't.
S and I struggled through the next few months, trying to connect in "other ways" and thinking maybe it would just take time for the cream to work. It never did. S was incredibly patient, but sex and all things related became such a source of tension for us that even non-intercourse relations became difficult for me. S started becoming distant and would become so frustrated with me some days that he would barely speak to me. It was terrible (and some days, it still is).
Finally, in July, S and I had a huge fight that seriously made me question whether our marriage would survive this. That was the kick I needed to make another appointment with my OB/GYN. S had already suggested to me that maybe I was having pelvic floor spasms, so I went prepared to ask my doctor about that. At the appointment, my doctor was so frustrating -- he acted as if he just couldn't believe the estrogen cream didn't fix me, and like my pain was all in my head. Never once did he suggest any other possibilities, and I had to literally ask him if maybe I could be having pelvic floor spasms and could he refer me to someone else. He finally agreed to refer me to a specialist in our town, but I still don't think he believes me.
Thankfully, I was able to get into the specialist within the week, and at our first appointment she quickly diagnosed me with vaginismus. She suggested I begin pelvic floor therapy, which includes Kegle exercises, electroshock therapy (not as terrifying as it sounds -- essentially, TENS for your vagina), and the use of medical dilators to help me control the spasms and get my body comfortable with the idea of sex again.
So far, these treatments seem to be helping me physically, and my physical therapy appointments are getting easier. However, I am still a complete head case when it comes to any kind of intimacy with S. Any kind of remotely-sexual touching makes me extremely anxious and causes me to tense up so badly I can feel my entire body lock up. Obviously this is very distressing to both me and S, so I made the decision to visit a counselor who deals with sexual dysfunction issues to see if we can't get to the root of the problem and fix me once and for all. My first (mental) therapy appointment is tomorrow and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous. However, I am so tired of dealing with this and am desperate to get better and save my relationship with S, so I know this is what I need to do.
Ahhh! Well, there you have it. My big dark secret.
And wow, that got really long. I'm sorry for dumping all of this on you when my blog has been relatively lighthearted thus far, but I have to admit it feels better to get everything out there. As I said at the beginning of my post, I feel so ashamed and alone that I just don't know who to talk to. I feel like I can't tell anyone in real life what is going on, because they wouldn't understand, and because they know both me and S and it would be weird to let them in on such an intimate problem. So, instead, I am dealing with it the healthy way... by giving all of the juicy details to internet strangers!
If you are still reading, thank you for sticking with me while I talked this out. I'm sure I will be talking about all of this more in the future, as I'm afraid I will have a long road to recovery ahead of me.
And if anyone reading this has had similar issues and overcome them, I would love to hear from you. If you don't feel comfortable posting in the comments, you can email me at sahattorney@gmail.com. And if anyone reading this is going through something similar, please, know you are not alone. If you would like to talk, I would love to hear from you as well.
And now... I think I have said enough. Good night, my dear readers.
On Contact Lenses
I got my first pair of glasses at the ripe old age of 8. My parents finally agreed to let me get contacts when I turned 13. So I have been wearing them for over a decade now, and have never had any problems with them.
... Until I got pregnant. I'm not really sure when the change happened, as I was so sick for the first ~4 months that I just wore my glasses most days and didn't fuss with trying to get my contacts in. But then, when I tried wearing them again, I couldn't. My eyes would itch and burn and within an hour of putting my contacts in, I'd be clawing at my eyes trying to get them out.
I brought it up to my OB at an appointment and he confirmed that yes, due to hormonal changes in pregnancy, some women experience dry eyes which make contacts uncomfortable to wear. He also said that some women's eyes change shape during pregnancy, further compounding the problem. After that appointment, I pretty much gave up on wearing my contacts, and planned to see an eye doctor after E was born if it continued to be a problem.
Long story short, E came out, but I still couldn't keep my contacts in. A trip to the eye doctor confirmed that my eyes had indeed changed shape while I was pregnant. I was fitted with new contacts that felt much better. I thought I was good to go.
Now she is almost 10 months old, and my eyes are still red and crusted over this morning because I wore my contacts for four hours last night.
I have tried new lenses, new cleaning solution, everything... And I still cannot comfortably wear contacts for more than an hour or two. Now the issue seems to be more with dryness/irritation than poor fit, which I wonder if might improve once I stop breastfeeding. I had never heard of this being an issue before I got pregnant, so I have no clue what else might be wrong.
Has anyone else had this problem? Did it ever resolve?
... Until I got pregnant. I'm not really sure when the change happened, as I was so sick for the first ~4 months that I just wore my glasses most days and didn't fuss with trying to get my contacts in. But then, when I tried wearing them again, I couldn't. My eyes would itch and burn and within an hour of putting my contacts in, I'd be clawing at my eyes trying to get them out.
I brought it up to my OB at an appointment and he confirmed that yes, due to hormonal changes in pregnancy, some women experience dry eyes which make contacts uncomfortable to wear. He also said that some women's eyes change shape during pregnancy, further compounding the problem. After that appointment, I pretty much gave up on wearing my contacts, and planned to see an eye doctor after E was born if it continued to be a problem.
Long story short, E came out, but I still couldn't keep my contacts in. A trip to the eye doctor confirmed that my eyes had indeed changed shape while I was pregnant. I was fitted with new contacts that felt much better. I thought I was good to go.
Now she is almost 10 months old, and my eyes are still red and crusted over this morning because I wore my contacts for four hours last night.
I have tried new lenses, new cleaning solution, everything... And I still cannot comfortably wear contacts for more than an hour or two. Now the issue seems to be more with dryness/irritation than poor fit, which I wonder if might improve once I stop breastfeeding. I had never heard of this being an issue before I got pregnant, so I have no clue what else might be wrong.
Has anyone else had this problem? Did it ever resolve?
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