Toddle Along Tuesday | 2012 Year in Review

Wow, what a year.  And HOLY CRAP, I can't believe it is already almost over!  I honestly feel like I spent most of the year merely surviving while also trying to keep E alive.  I'm not going to lie, 2012 was a year of amazing highs and incredibly difficult lows.

This is what I remember of the past year, for better or worse:

• January 2012:  Still on maternity leave and loving every minute of being a new mother.
• February 2012:  My maternity leave came to an end and I went back to work full-time.  I HATED it and have never been so miserable in a job in my life.  S and I start making serious plans to allow me to quit.
• March-May 2012:  A blur of not sleeping more than 3 hours per night and working full time.  I honestly can barely remember this time period.
• June 2012:  I resigned from my full-time job.  My employer was nice enough to let me resume the part-time position I had left when I accepted the full-time job, and I began working two days per week.  Near the end of June, I also signed on to join two friends in starting a new law firm.
• July 2012:  Things are crazy busy between working part-time at my old office, trying to get things started at the new law office, and enjoying my new-found time with E.  At the same time, things are deteriorating between S and me and we have the worst fight we've ever had.  I'm not sure our marriage is going to survive.  I am diagnosed with vaginismus and begin treatments.
• August 2012:  One of my two friends at our new law firm backs out of our agreement and admits that she had seriously misrepresented some information to the other two of us.  I withdraw from the partnership.
• September 2012:  I make the decision to start my own law firm.  Things still have not improved between me and S.  I begin therapy.  
• October 2012:  S and I are surviving.  I continue therapy.
• November 2012:  We celebrate E's first birthday!  S begins therapy.  Things finally begin improving between S and me. 
• December 2012:  Looking forward to what 2013 will bring! :-)

Toddle Along Tuesday | Hobbies

I've mentioned before on this blog, but one thing I do for fun is photography.  Unfortunately, due to my unofficial policy of not posting photos of my family's faces on this blog (gotta keep it anonymous!), I don't get to share many/any of my photos with you here. 

I don't even know when I really got interested in photography, but I do know I still have photos from photo shoots me and my childhood best friend took when we were in elementary school.  (I tried to find one of these gems to share with you, but they seem to be buried deep in boxes in my garage.  Sorry, readers.  I assure you they were true works of art!)

Film photo of my siblings, circa 2000.

I couldn't tell you what my first camera was, but I do know it was a super old-school film camera that made square prints.  My next camera was a 35mm Vivitar, and I literally used that thing to death.  After the Vivitar, I splurged and bought a Canon Elph, which was my last film camera.  My high school graduation present was my first digital camera, an HP-something.  It was FOUR megapixels, and the pinnacle of technology at the time.  (It was the length of my hand, and hilariously large by today's standards!)  My next purchase was a Sony Cybershot in 2006, and then I finally made the leap to a digital SLR, my Nikon D3000, when I received it as a Christmas gift from S in 2010 (BEST GIFT EVER!).

Belly self-portrait while pregnant with E.

Although I've always taken photos of literally everything, these days my main focus (no pun intended, heh) is children and families -- primarily, E. ;-)  I took belly photos each week when I was pregnant, newborn photos when she arrived, monthly photos to document her growth, and pretty much every other photo of her ever since!

One of E's newborn photos, four days old.

I love having the ability to capture so many moments in our lives.  Not to mention, I am saving us thousands of dollars in professional photography by taking so many photos of E myself!  haha  I also do the occasional newborn, family, or senior photo session for friends or family, which I also really enjoy.

Photo from my sister's senior photo session.

I love the creative outlet that photography provides, and I also enjoy the challenge of pushing myself to learn new techniques and improve my skills.  In my day-to-day life of laundry, dirty diapers, toddler-wrangling, deadlines, and client demands, it is one thing that I can truly say I do just for myself. :-)

A Day in the Life

I had a comment on my law firm post from Jen that she would like to see a post on my day-to-day doings.  So, I thought I would provide a snapshot as to what a day in my life is actually like.  :-)

7:00 a.m. -- Wake up, E is still sleeping.  Spend time with S while he gets ready to leave for school. 

8:00 a.m. -- E wakes up, gets a diaper change, nurses, and we play for awhile while I drink my coffee.  I also move a load of laundry I washed last night from the washer to the dryer.

9:15 a.m. -- E lays down for her morning nap.  I draft a letter to the client I met last week and return his phone call from yesterday afternoon. 

9:45 a.m. -- I take the trash out to the curb and throw dinner in the crock pot. 

10:00 a.m. --  E wakes up from her morning nap waaaay too early, as evidenced by her extreme grouchiness.  Diaper change.  More coffee.  Breakfast.  I put E on the floor to play and sit by her with my laptop.  Alternate between playing with E, looking up ideas for her birthday party on Pintrest, keeping E from electrocuting/strangling herself with my laptop charger cord, and blog-reading. 

12:00 p.m. -- E nurses again and I lay her down for "morning" nap attempt #2. 

12:07 p.m. -- Success! 

12:08 p.m. -- I kick back with "50 Shades of Grey".  [S bought it for me to help with my "rehab".  ;-)]

1:00 p.m. -- S comes home for lunch, and we eat together and hang out before he has to go back to school.

1:45 p.m. -- E wakes up in a much better mood.  Diaper change.  She nurses again, eats some puffs, and we play some more.

3:30 p.m. -- Phone call from my bank regarding a networking opportunity for my new law firm.  Schedule a meeting with them for next Wednesday.

3:40 p.m. -- Decide I'm motivated enough to continue my project I started yesterday - organizing my closet and getting rid of stuff I can't/don't wear anymore.  E plays on the bed with hangers while I sort through all of my junk. 

4:15 p.m. -- E nurses and lays down for her afternoon nap.  I continue organizing and field a phone call from a friend. 

5:00 p.m. -- E poops herself awake from her nap.  Diaper change.  She then "helps" while I continue organizing.

5:45 p.m. -- S gets home, and the three of us eat dinner together.  E eats enough ham and peas to feed a small country.  (We recently discovered she LOVES ham!)  Dinner is followed by clean-up, of the dishes and the baby.  E plays until bedtime.

7:30 p.m. -- E gets a diaper change, nurses for the last time, then lays down for bed with minimal fussing (hallelujah!).  S and I each have a beer while he plays video games and I prepare for my client meeting tomorrow morning.


Whew!  Well, that about sums up a typical day for me.  Of course, some days are busier than others,  and some days E and I just play all day, but I hope that gives you a better idea of my day-to-day life.  :-)

Update on me

So, I have a confession to make.  I've been working on something and not shared about it on this blog.

(I know, I know, I feel like I've been on a "confession" kick lately.  Sorry about that.  Don't worry, this one is is a good thing!)

A few weeks ago, I took the plunge and started my own law firm.

I have always done legal work on my own here and there, even while working various other jobs.  Then, after the implosion of my former law firm, I seriously debated just starting my own firm.  Last month, I finally decided to do it and filed the required paperwork with the state.  Over the last few weeks I have been hammering out all of the details, and I'm finally ready for business.  Its a good thing too, because in the past three weeks, I've already acquired three clients!

As far as E and my life at home goes, not much will be changing.  I am working out of a home office and will still be home with E the majority of the time.  I will also still be working at my part-time job with the government agency two days per week, like I have been doing.  (Yes, they know about my law practice and no, it is not a conflict.) 

So, that is what I have been up to.  In reality, not much will really be changing for me, but I am excited to have finally made a decision and to be taking my practice to the next level.  :-)

And Now for Something Completely Different

(Bonus points for anyone who gets the reference!)

But in all seriousness, there is something very personal that has been weighing on me heavily, I just haven't been sure of how or whether to bring it up on this blog.  But I have decided to, 1) because blogging has always been very therapeutic for me, 2) because I have felt so ashamed and alone in this, and I hope that by putting this out there that maybe I can help someone else in a similar situation, and 3) because this is my blog, and if I can't be honest here, then what's the point?

That said, the rest of this post is probably NSFW.

Ok... here goes.  This post will probably be long and may jump around a bit, but I need to get it out so bear with me.

As I alluded in a previous post, S and I have been struggling in the sex department.  For awhile.  As in, we haven't successfully had sex since E was born.  (She will be 10 months old next week.)  And it is ruining our marriage.

In July, I was diagnosed with vaginismus.  For those of you afraid to click that link (it is a medical page, I promise!), vaginismus is the involuntary contracting/spasming of the pelvic floor muscles when you attempt to insert something into the vagina, which causes insertion to be extremely painful or even impossible.  Some people have it their whole lives, only to discover it the first time they attempt sex (primary vaginismus); for others, it can develop later after a previously successful sex life (secondary vaginismus).  Mine is obviously secondary vaginismus, since I was successful in getting pregnant with my daughter.

I'm not really sure when my vaginismus began, or what the triggering event was, but sex started becoming a problem for me when I got pregnant with E.  I suspect the seeds were planted during our struggles to get pregnant -- we lost four pregnancies before E, and during that time I endured a lot of invasive, painful, and humiliating exams and procedures while trying to determine what was wrong.  When I finally did get pregnant with E, I was put on progesterone suppositories which, anyone who has ever used them will tell you, are extremely messy and do not make you feel sexy AT ALL.  I was also extremely sick during my first and part of my second trimesters, and I was absolutely terrified that any physical activity would "shake the baby loose" or cause us to lose yet another pregnancy.  Then, once the all-day-sickness subsided and I began finally feeling more confident in the possibility of a successful pregnancy, we tried having sex again, and it HURT.  We made several attempts during pregnancy before giving up, resigned to the fact that we would just have to do other things until E made her exit.

Once E was born and we were cleared for post-baby sexy times, we tried again.  Again, I was in searing, burning, excruciating pain.  This time, we thought maybe I just hadn't yet fully healed from the delivery, or maybe I was just dry from breastfeeding.

Multiple more failed attempts led to a trip to my OB/GYN.  He told me I had healed just fine, that it was just dryness from breastfeeding, and gave me (an extremely expensive) tube of estrogen cream to use, which he assured me would make me all better.

Spoiler alert:  it didn't.

S and I struggled through the next few months, trying to connect in "other ways" and thinking maybe it would just take time for the cream to work.  It never did.  S was incredibly patient, but sex and all things related became such a source of tension for us that even non-intercourse relations became difficult for me.  S started becoming distant and would become so frustrated with me some days that he would barely speak to me.  It was terrible (and some days, it still is).

Finally, in July, S and I had a huge fight that seriously made me question whether our marriage would survive this.  That was the kick I needed to make another appointment with my OB/GYN.  S had already suggested to me that maybe I was having pelvic floor spasms, so I went prepared to ask my doctor about that.  At the appointment, my doctor was so frustrating -- he acted as if he just couldn't believe the estrogen cream didn't fix me, and like my pain was all in my head.  Never once did he suggest any other possibilities, and I had to literally ask him if maybe I could be having pelvic floor spasms and could he refer me to someone else.  He finally agreed to refer me to a specialist in our town, but I still don't think he believes me.

Thankfully, I was able to get into the specialist within the week, and at our first appointment she quickly diagnosed me with vaginismus.  She suggested I begin pelvic floor therapy, which includes Kegle exercises, electroshock therapy (not as terrifying as it sounds -- essentially, TENS for your vagina), and the use of medical dilators to help me control the spasms and get my body comfortable with the idea of sex again.

So far, these treatments seem to be helping me physically, and my physical therapy appointments are getting easier.  However, I am still a complete head case when it comes to any kind of intimacy with S.  Any kind of remotely-sexual touching makes me extremely anxious and causes me to tense up so badly I can feel my entire body lock up.  Obviously this is very distressing to both me and S, so I made the decision to visit a counselor who deals with sexual dysfunction issues to see if we can't get to the root of the problem and fix me once and for all.  My first (mental) therapy appointment is tomorrow and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous.  However, I am so tired of dealing with this and am desperate to get better and save my relationship with S, so I know this is what I need to do.

Ahhh!  Well, there you have it.  My big dark secret.

And wow, that got really long.  I'm sorry for dumping all of this on you when my blog has been relatively lighthearted thus far, but I have to admit it feels better to get everything out there.  As I said at the beginning of my post, I feel so ashamed and alone that I just don't know who to talk to.  I feel like I can't tell anyone in real life what is going on, because they wouldn't understand, and because they know both me and S and it would be weird to let them in on such an intimate problem.  So, instead, I am dealing with it the healthy way... by giving all of the juicy details to internet strangers!

If you are still reading, thank you for sticking with me while I talked this out.  I'm sure I will be talking about all of this more in the future, as I'm afraid I will have a long road to recovery ahead of me. 

And if anyone reading this has had similar issues and overcome them, I would love to hear from you.  If you don't feel comfortable posting in the comments, you can email me at sahattorney@gmail.com.  And if anyone reading this is going through something similar, please, know you are not alone.  If you would like to talk, I would love to hear from you as well. 

And now... I think I have said enough.  Good night, my dear readers.

A Brief History of... Me

From a young age, I always knew I wanted to be an attorney.  I worked hard in high school, then college, so I could get into my #1 choice law school.  I worked in law firms and interned with judges.  I succeeded at getting accepted to my #1 choice law school.  I moved to my new city to start school and soon met my now-husband, S.  We were married two years later.  I graduated law school but couldn't find a job.  S started medical school.  I found a job. We bought a house.

Life was good.

Then we decided to have a baby. 

After nearly two years, one miscarriage, and three very early pregnancy losses, we finally welcomed our daughter E in 2011.   With her arrival, my priorities did a complete 180.  No longer did I want to go to work every day, I only wanted to be with her.  At the time, I was working at a government agency with little hope for advancement, high potential for burnout, and not much of a paycheck.  I could not stand the thought of leaving E with a stranger every day, just so I could go off to this meaningless job.

After a few months of financial finagling, S agreed we could afford for me to quit my full-time job to work part-time and spend more time with E.  I was thrilled!  At the same time, I was approached by an acquaintance from law school about starting a law practice with her.  I thought this was finally my chance to "have it all" -- to be my own boss, work from home, and be able to have as much time with E as I wanted.  Unfortunately, for reasons I won't get into here, the partnership didn't work out, and I ended up quitting several months in.

Back to square one.

Now, I'm back to working two days per week at the same government agency, and spending the rest of my days with E and practicing law from home.  It was a long road to get here, but I can finally say that I truly have the best of both worlds, and that there is no where else I'd rather be.

Welcome to my blog.