The Sleep Plan

Houston, we have a plan.

We have decided to try a slightly modified version of the sleep plan Nicole at The Kavanaugh Report posted awhile back.  She got the plan from a behavioral therapist when they were having trouble with her son, Henry's, sleep.  It sounds like Henry and E have a lot in common in the stubborn personality and sleep departments, so I am hoping we will have some measure of success with this plan.

We have two things we would like to ultimately accomplish with this plan:  1) cut back on E's night feedings and 2) get E to fall asleep on her own, in her Pack-N-Play, and get her to stay there all night.

Our official sleep plan looks like this: 

• Strict wake-up time of 8:00 every morning.  E can get up earlier than this if she is ready, but we will not let her sleep any later than 8:00 a.m.
• First nap 2.5 hours after she wakes up. 
• Nurse her before her nap.  Then, put her down for her nap awake and do not return for 60 minutes.  If she is still awake after 60 minutes, the "nap" is over, and we try again at her next scheduled nap time.
• Repeat same routine for her afternoon nap at 2:00 p.m.
• Regular bedtime routine and have her in bed by 8:00 p.m.  I will nurse her before bedtime, but we will put her down awake.  At night, we can go in to reassure her/soothe her as often as needed, but we cannot pick her up until 60 minutes pass.  After 60 minutes, we can pick her up and rock her, etc., but must put her back down awake.  
• Only allowing her to nurse twice per night.  Since she is used to nursing all night long, I hate to just cut her off cold-turkey, so we decided to cut her back gradually.  For the first week, I will let her nurse once after midnight and once after 4:00 a.m.  Next week (assuming she is still waking multiple times...) she will only be allowed to nurse once, and only after 2:00 a.m.  Each time she nurses, she must be put back down awake. 
• NO SLEEPING IN OUR BED NO MATTER WHAT.

In addition to what I outlined above, we will also be making a real effort to ensure E eats plenty of solid foods during the day, so that she won't be hungry/trying to make up calories by nursing during the night.  

I'm not expecting miracles with this plan, but I am hoping to at least improve on what we've got going on right now... which, as you all know, is pretty dismal.  If she will just go to sleep on her own, and only wake a few times and eventually be able to get herself back to sleep when that happens, I will consider this a great success!  Anything beyond that would be a fantastic bonus.


So, all of that said... We decided to implement this plan yesterday.  S and I are both off from work on Monday, which will give us some extra time to be tired with minimal consequences.  It will also give me until Friday to be home with E before she goes back to the babysitter, so we will have almost a full week to hopefully get into some kind of groove.

Day one of The Plan went almost exactly as I thought it would.  I rocked her to sleep for her first nap, so that we weren't starting out with her already extremely overtired.  For her second nap, we put her down at 2:15 p.m. We let her cry for 60 minutes, then went in to reassure her every 30 minutes after that.  She was awake and crying until 5:15 p.m., when I went in and patted her chest until she fell asleep.*  She slept 30 minutes.

Bedtime last night wasn't any better.  I nursed her and we put her to bed at 8:00 p.m.  She cried and fussed until 11:45 p.m. (with us checking on her periodically), when S went to check on her, and found her sleeping standing up in her Pack-N-Play.  He tried to lay her down, and she woke up, so I nursed her and patted her chest again until she fell asleep.  She was then awake at 2:00 a.m., 4:30 a.m. (nursed), and 6:30 a.m.  I am proud to say we were able to get her back to sleep in the Pack-N-Play at 2:00 and 4:30, which I consider a small victory in itself.   I tried to soothe her back to sleep for about 45 minutes once she woke up at 6:30, then gave up and decided to just get up for the day. 

She is now fussing through her 60 minutes of morning nap time.  I'm really, really hoping today goes better for us!  I know it will likely take at least 3-4 days to see any real improvement, so I'm not holding my breath.

Wish us luck!


*After hearing her scream for three hours at that nap attempt, I emailed Nicole to find out what they did after Henry failed to fall asleep after 60 minutes.  I had assumed E had to stay back there, so she didn't think she had "won" by fighting sleep for an hour, but Nicole told me that after 60 minutes they considered the nap to be over, so we modified our plan accordingly.  It sounds much more manageable to me than listening to E CIO for three hours every time she has to take a nap!

re: HELP

Thank you all for the thoughtful comments on my last post.  I meant to respond last night, but was so exhausted by the time I made it home that I crashed.  We all did, actually.  I woke up at midnight having been asleep in the recliner in the living room with E on my chest and S passed out on the couch.

Since she wasn't sleeping anyway, S and I decided to do whatever it took to get her to sleep last night so we could all start over refreshed.  S and I are currently working on a plan and then we are going to do it.  Whatever "it" ends up being.  I will keep you posted.

Also, sorry for the horrible formatting on my last post.  I wrote that from my phone and it looked fine from there, but when I finally read it on my computer all I saw was a jumbled mess.  It should be fixed now.

Thanks again for your support and suggestions on this.  I believe I have replied to everyone's comments on my last post.  If you have anything else to add, I would love to hear it!

Thanks again!

HELP

After the past few weeks, I am convinced we desperately need help with E's sleep.  I am at my wits end.

Before she got sick, she was starting to fight going back to sleep when she wakes in the middle of the night, but I could usually snuggle her or nurse her back to sleep.  Then when she was sick, she got completely out of her routine, and now she WILL NOT go back to sleep at night. She violently thrashes around, screams "NO NO NO NO!", kicks, hits, slaps, and claws us (even when just laying next to her on our bed).  Last night, she flung herself out of our bed and hit her head on the nightstand, leaving a gash on her forehead.  It is no longer safe for her to sleep in our bed.   Something has to change.

This is where we are at:

E still sleeps in our room.  We don't want to change this yet, unless absolutely necessary.

We put her down for the night drowsy but awake into her Pack N Play next to our bed.  Sometimes she goes down without a fight, other times it takes one hour or longer.  I bring her into our bed when she wakes during the night.

She will NOT go to sleep on her own if we leave the room.  We have let her CIO for 2+ hours before, with no success.  She only gets more angry and upset.  At bedtime, we usually sit next to her PNP and pat her as needed.

E sleeps at least 10 (interrupted) hours per night.

When home with me, she takes two naps per day, usually totaling 2-3 hours of nap in all.  She goes down for her naps consistently between 10:00-11:00 and 1:30-2:30.

On days when she goes to the babysitter, she has no consistent nap schedule.  Since she will not go to sleep on her own, she is at the mercy of when the babysitters kids nap so the babysitter can get her down.  I assume this is part of the problem, but don't know how to change it.

E has been nursing a lot at night.  I also suspect this is part of the problem, but am hesitant to stop cold turkey because she doesn't always eat much during the day.  I want to make sure she gets enough nutrition.

We have tried every sleep training method, even Ferber and straight CIO, with no success.  (And yes we have been consistent and tried each method for long enough we should have seen an improvement.)  We have had the most luck with The Sleep Lady's methods, but they only work for bedtime and not E's many night wakings.

We cannot spend all night fighting with E about sleep.  S is in medical school doing his rotations and frequently has 12-15 hour days.  He cannot afford to miss what little sleep he gets.

Our house is small enough, we can hear her screaming from any other room, even if we did try to just leave her somewhere else and let her CIO all night.

I think that is all relevent information. PLEASE HELP.  I am about to have a mental breakdown.

A Day in the Life

I had a comment on my law firm post from Jen that she would like to see a post on my day-to-day doings.  So, I thought I would provide a snapshot as to what a day in my life is actually like.  :-)

7:00 a.m. -- Wake up, E is still sleeping.  Spend time with S while he gets ready to leave for school. 

8:00 a.m. -- E wakes up, gets a diaper change, nurses, and we play for awhile while I drink my coffee.  I also move a load of laundry I washed last night from the washer to the dryer.

9:15 a.m. -- E lays down for her morning nap.  I draft a letter to the client I met last week and return his phone call from yesterday afternoon. 

9:45 a.m. -- I take the trash out to the curb and throw dinner in the crock pot. 

10:00 a.m. --  E wakes up from her morning nap waaaay too early, as evidenced by her extreme grouchiness.  Diaper change.  More coffee.  Breakfast.  I put E on the floor to play and sit by her with my laptop.  Alternate between playing with E, looking up ideas for her birthday party on Pintrest, keeping E from electrocuting/strangling herself with my laptop charger cord, and blog-reading. 

12:00 p.m. -- E nurses again and I lay her down for "morning" nap attempt #2. 

12:07 p.m. -- Success! 

12:08 p.m. -- I kick back with "50 Shades of Grey".  [S bought it for me to help with my "rehab".  ;-)]

1:00 p.m. -- S comes home for lunch, and we eat together and hang out before he has to go back to school.

1:45 p.m. -- E wakes up in a much better mood.  Diaper change.  She nurses again, eats some puffs, and we play some more.

3:30 p.m. -- Phone call from my bank regarding a networking opportunity for my new law firm.  Schedule a meeting with them for next Wednesday.

3:40 p.m. -- Decide I'm motivated enough to continue my project I started yesterday - organizing my closet and getting rid of stuff I can't/don't wear anymore.  E plays on the bed with hangers while I sort through all of my junk. 

4:15 p.m. -- E nurses and lays down for her afternoon nap.  I continue organizing and field a phone call from a friend. 

5:00 p.m. -- E poops herself awake from her nap.  Diaper change.  She then "helps" while I continue organizing.

5:45 p.m. -- S gets home, and the three of us eat dinner together.  E eats enough ham and peas to feed a small country.  (We recently discovered she LOVES ham!)  Dinner is followed by clean-up, of the dishes and the baby.  E plays until bedtime.

7:30 p.m. -- E gets a diaper change, nurses for the last time, then lays down for bed with minimal fussing (hallelujah!).  S and I each have a beer while he plays video games and I prepare for my client meeting tomorrow morning.


Whew!  Well, that about sums up a typical day for me.  Of course, some days are busier than others,  and some days E and I just play all day, but I hope that gives you a better idea of my day-to-day life.  :-)

Its getting hot in here...

Over the past few weeks, I have noticed that I am having crazy hot flashes.  I am generally cold-natured and am usually the last one to ever complain about the temperature in a room being too warm, but holy crap, it is like something switches within me and I am instantly sweating and burning up! 

Like right now -- which prompted this post -- I am sitting in my living room in very lightweight pants and a nursing tank and am BURNING ALIVE.  It is 75 degrees in my house, which would generally have me in sweatpants and a sweatshirt.  But not today.  ACK! 

I am wondering if maybe with E starting to wean, if my hormones are starting to return to "normal", and that is the cause of these hot flashes?  I still haven't had a postpartum period, and wonder too if perhaps that is also coming 'round the bend.  (I sure hope not, I've really enjoyed not having AF for nearly two years now!)  Either way, these hot flashes are crazy and unlike anything I've ever experienced, even while pregnant.

Has this happened to anyone else during weaning/the return of AF?

Boobie Trap Bingo

I've been reflecting on me and E's breastfeeding relationship a lot lately, as I am starting to think about how and when she will wean.  She has a mouth full of chompers now, and has been increasingly interested in eating more solid foods, so I'm sure the time will come before I know it.  Add to that the fact that yesterday I was diagnosed with mastitis and my right boob is currently SO painful I can barely stand to feed her, and the issue of weaning is definitely fresh on my mind.

I always imagined I would breastfeed E for a year, and then follow her cues as to how long to continue after that.  I like the idea of baby-led weaning and definitely don't want to cut her off before she is ready, but at the same time I am starting to look forward to the day when I can have my boobs back to myself (S is too... haha!).  So, I kind of feel like the end is in sight.  I thought I might be more sentimental about losing that bonding time with her -- and maybe down the road, once I've had some distance, I will be -- but right now, I feel at peace with weaning her whenever she is ready.

Anyway, all of that has been on my mind lately.  Then I stumbled upon this post at The Alpha Parent, another blog I read, about all of the potential difficulties you must overcome while breastfeeding, and I decided to play her game of "Boobie Trap Bingo".

Here is my completed bingo card (click to enlarge):

No "bingo!" for me, but I have to say that I have been extremely fortunate to face as few of these challenges as I have.  I have had to pump at work for seven months now, but several of my coworkers had pumped before me, and my employer and other coworkers never batted an eye at my need to relieve myself.  E had some weight gain issues in the beginning, and we did have to supplement with formula for a few weeks, but I am lucky that we were able to increase my supply and get her back to exclusively breastfeeding for as long as we have.

I am also extremely thankful that I have had such supportive friends and family, many who breastfed/are breastfeeding their children and who have been a great resource for me.   And of course I am fortunate to have a supportive partner.  S has been my biggest breastfeeding-cheerleader all along, and never encouraged me to quit and switch to formula, even during the most difficult times.  S was by my side reminding me what a great thing I was doing, and literally cheering me on -- "you can do it! you are doing great! hang in there!" -- when I was sobbing in pain while feeding E during our 13-week-long battle with thrush.  He has also not complained once that he has been effectively cut off from "the girls" while I've been nursing E; it is just too uncomfortable and weird for me to think of them as anything but a food source right now.  I know that not everyone has such a wonderful support system. 

Whew!  Well, that was probably more than you ever wanted or needed to know about my breastfeeding adventures.  LOL

If any of you decide you'd like to play Boobie Trap Bingo as well, click on over to The Alpha Parent and complete and post your bingo card too.  I'd love to see them!  :-)

Crying over spilled milk

I just realized I forgot to put the milk I pumped for E in the fridge.

The milk I pumped at work... YESTERDAY.

[insert string of expletives here]

It was only 13 ounces, but still.  I work damn hard to still make that much now that she is starting to wean, and I hate pumping so so so much.  There goes all of my hard work -- literally -- down the drain.

*SOB*

I seriously could cry.  Whoever said "there is no use crying over spilled milk" obviously never breastfed.  And they sure as hell never pumped.

On a lighter note...

I feel like after the seriousness of my last post, I needed to post some light-hearted things.  (Sorry to just leave you hanging like that, these past few days have been hectic!)

So, here is a random list of not-serious things, in no particular order...

1)  My therapy appointment went really well.  I really liked the lady I met with, and she gave me some great information and exercises to work through.  I already feel like I'm making a bit of progress.

2)  I think E is growing another set of teeth on the bottom.  I can already see where the next one is about to pop through on (her) right side... Seriously, this baby is getting out of control.  Once these come in, she will have two on top and SIX on the bottom.  I really don't know how extended-breastfeeding ladies do it.  Nursing E is already like breastfeeding a barracuda, and right now she's only got six teeth total.  I'm terrified to think of how dangerous she will be by the time she turns one!

3)  Speaking of E, I got a great deal on two new pairs of shoes for her on Thursday.  I belong to a local online mom's group that is practically a 24-hour garage sale... minus the garage and leaving your house.  Anyway, I got her two adorable pairs of very gently-loved Pediped shoes for $6.00 each.  SUCH A GOOD DEAL.  I'm so proud of myself.

4)  I am really kind of sad we no longer have cable, because that means I cannot watch the Honey Boo Boo show and that new series about Amish teenagers on TLC.

5)  I seriously had no idea this guy even existed until I saw him on the Today Show on Friday morning, and now I can't get this song out of my head.

Catchy (and ridiculous!), isn't it? You're welcome.  ;-)

6)  I am having an awesome weekend with E and S.  I love my little family! 

And Now for Something Completely Different

(Bonus points for anyone who gets the reference!)

But in all seriousness, there is something very personal that has been weighing on me heavily, I just haven't been sure of how or whether to bring it up on this blog.  But I have decided to, 1) because blogging has always been very therapeutic for me, 2) because I have felt so ashamed and alone in this, and I hope that by putting this out there that maybe I can help someone else in a similar situation, and 3) because this is my blog, and if I can't be honest here, then what's the point?

That said, the rest of this post is probably NSFW.

Ok... here goes.  This post will probably be long and may jump around a bit, but I need to get it out so bear with me.

As I alluded in a previous post, S and I have been struggling in the sex department.  For awhile.  As in, we haven't successfully had sex since E was born.  (She will be 10 months old next week.)  And it is ruining our marriage.

In July, I was diagnosed with vaginismus.  For those of you afraid to click that link (it is a medical page, I promise!), vaginismus is the involuntary contracting/spasming of the pelvic floor muscles when you attempt to insert something into the vagina, which causes insertion to be extremely painful or even impossible.  Some people have it their whole lives, only to discover it the first time they attempt sex (primary vaginismus); for others, it can develop later after a previously successful sex life (secondary vaginismus).  Mine is obviously secondary vaginismus, since I was successful in getting pregnant with my daughter.

I'm not really sure when my vaginismus began, or what the triggering event was, but sex started becoming a problem for me when I got pregnant with E.  I suspect the seeds were planted during our struggles to get pregnant -- we lost four pregnancies before E, and during that time I endured a lot of invasive, painful, and humiliating exams and procedures while trying to determine what was wrong.  When I finally did get pregnant with E, I was put on progesterone suppositories which, anyone who has ever used them will tell you, are extremely messy and do not make you feel sexy AT ALL.  I was also extremely sick during my first and part of my second trimesters, and I was absolutely terrified that any physical activity would "shake the baby loose" or cause us to lose yet another pregnancy.  Then, once the all-day-sickness subsided and I began finally feeling more confident in the possibility of a successful pregnancy, we tried having sex again, and it HURT.  We made several attempts during pregnancy before giving up, resigned to the fact that we would just have to do other things until E made her exit.

Once E was born and we were cleared for post-baby sexy times, we tried again.  Again, I was in searing, burning, excruciating pain.  This time, we thought maybe I just hadn't yet fully healed from the delivery, or maybe I was just dry from breastfeeding.

Multiple more failed attempts led to a trip to my OB/GYN.  He told me I had healed just fine, that it was just dryness from breastfeeding, and gave me (an extremely expensive) tube of estrogen cream to use, which he assured me would make me all better.

Spoiler alert:  it didn't.

S and I struggled through the next few months, trying to connect in "other ways" and thinking maybe it would just take time for the cream to work.  It never did.  S was incredibly patient, but sex and all things related became such a source of tension for us that even non-intercourse relations became difficult for me.  S started becoming distant and would become so frustrated with me some days that he would barely speak to me.  It was terrible (and some days, it still is).

Finally, in July, S and I had a huge fight that seriously made me question whether our marriage would survive this.  That was the kick I needed to make another appointment with my OB/GYN.  S had already suggested to me that maybe I was having pelvic floor spasms, so I went prepared to ask my doctor about that.  At the appointment, my doctor was so frustrating -- he acted as if he just couldn't believe the estrogen cream didn't fix me, and like my pain was all in my head.  Never once did he suggest any other possibilities, and I had to literally ask him if maybe I could be having pelvic floor spasms and could he refer me to someone else.  He finally agreed to refer me to a specialist in our town, but I still don't think he believes me.

Thankfully, I was able to get into the specialist within the week, and at our first appointment she quickly diagnosed me with vaginismus.  She suggested I begin pelvic floor therapy, which includes Kegle exercises, electroshock therapy (not as terrifying as it sounds -- essentially, TENS for your vagina), and the use of medical dilators to help me control the spasms and get my body comfortable with the idea of sex again.

So far, these treatments seem to be helping me physically, and my physical therapy appointments are getting easier.  However, I am still a complete head case when it comes to any kind of intimacy with S.  Any kind of remotely-sexual touching makes me extremely anxious and causes me to tense up so badly I can feel my entire body lock up.  Obviously this is very distressing to both me and S, so I made the decision to visit a counselor who deals with sexual dysfunction issues to see if we can't get to the root of the problem and fix me once and for all.  My first (mental) therapy appointment is tomorrow and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous.  However, I am so tired of dealing with this and am desperate to get better and save my relationship with S, so I know this is what I need to do.

Ahhh!  Well, there you have it.  My big dark secret.

And wow, that got really long.  I'm sorry for dumping all of this on you when my blog has been relatively lighthearted thus far, but I have to admit it feels better to get everything out there.  As I said at the beginning of my post, I feel so ashamed and alone that I just don't know who to talk to.  I feel like I can't tell anyone in real life what is going on, because they wouldn't understand, and because they know both me and S and it would be weird to let them in on such an intimate problem.  So, instead, I am dealing with it the healthy way... by giving all of the juicy details to internet strangers!

If you are still reading, thank you for sticking with me while I talked this out.  I'm sure I will be talking about all of this more in the future, as I'm afraid I will have a long road to recovery ahead of me. 

And if anyone reading this has had similar issues and overcome them, I would love to hear from you.  If you don't feel comfortable posting in the comments, you can email me at sahattorney@gmail.com.  And if anyone reading this is going through something similar, please, know you are not alone.  If you would like to talk, I would love to hear from you as well. 

And now... I think I have said enough.  Good night, my dear readers.

On Contact Lenses

I got my first pair of glasses at the ripe old age of 8. My parents finally agreed to let me get contacts when I turned 13. So I have been wearing them for over a decade now, and have never had any problems with them.

... Until I got pregnant. I'm not really sure when the change happened, as I was so sick for the first ~4 months that I just wore my glasses most days and didn't fuss with trying to get my contacts in. But then, when I tried wearing them again, I couldn't. My eyes would itch and burn and within an hour of putting my contacts in, I'd be clawing at my eyes trying to get them out.

I brought it up to my OB at an appointment and he confirmed that yes, due to hormonal changes in pregnancy, some women experience dry eyes which make contacts uncomfortable to wear. He also said that some women's eyes change shape during pregnancy, further compounding the problem. After that appointment, I pretty much gave up on wearing my contacts, and planned to see an eye doctor after E was born if it continued to be a problem.

Long story short, E came out, but I still couldn't keep my contacts in. A trip to the eye doctor confirmed that my eyes had indeed changed shape while I was pregnant. I was fitted with new contacts that felt much better. I thought I was good to go.

Now she is almost 10 months old, and my eyes are still red and crusted over this morning because I wore my contacts for four hours last night.

I have tried new lenses, new cleaning solution, everything... And I still cannot comfortably wear contacts for more than an hour or two. Now the issue seems to be more with dryness/irritation than poor fit, which I wonder if might improve once I stop breastfeeding. I had never heard of this being an issue before I got pregnant, so I have no clue what else might be wrong.

Has anyone else had this problem? Did it ever resolve?

Nursing and weaning and TEETH, oh my!

E is nine months old now, and in just the past few weeks has gone from two teeth to SIX!  She now has two on the top and four on the bottom, and all are equally razor-sharp.  She is also still nursing 4-6 times per day and 1-3 times per night.  (You can probably guess where this is going...) 

In the past two days, I have been bitten at least 5 times.  OUCH.  Every time she does it I immediately remove her and say "NO BITING!" and set her on the floor across the room from me.  Once or twice she cried, the other times she didn't seem to care.  This is the advice I have been told and seen given repeatedly online to stop the biting, but I can't help but wonder if it is really effective if she doesn't get upset?  I would love to hear any other ideas if anyone has them!

I also have noticed that when she is nursing, I can definitely feel her top teeth digging into my skin.  A few times I have even seen clear teeth marks where they were after she finished eating.  It doesn't hurt as much as the biting, but is still pretty uncomfortable.  I also really worry about this getting worse as her teeth continue to grow in, but am not sure there is much I can do other than tough it out.  

My goal for E has always been to nurse for at least a year, but follow her lead when it comes time to wean.  (However, the recent teeth situation is definitely giving me pause...) I guess you could say we've been doing "modified baby-led weaning" since she started trying solids, and it seems to be working for us.  In just the past week or so, E has really started refusing to nurse, instead wanting to eat more and more "real" food.  She will still take milk from a bottle or sippy cup, but will flat out refuse it straight from the tap.  I try to make sure she takes milk first and solids second, so that I can be sure she is still getting enough nutrition, but she just doesn't seem interested in the milk.  She will not eat anything pureed -- she will only eat small pieces of actual food -- so I can't even sneak any milk in that way.  I'm not sure if this is just a phase, or if my baby really is weaning herself already. 

*tear*  They grow up so fast!